So, E3 has been and gone.

What a load of wank.

I’ll be honest, my grasp on gaming has slipped somewhat over the years, as my free time is taken up by other activities, and the number of games released that interest me seems to drop. For example, I’m not a massive fan of first person shooters, so releasing an unceasing parade of browny-grey shooters that all look the same isn’t going to change my opinion. As such, the only FPS from the last few years I truly get a kick out of is Team Fortress 2, as any member of the Exterminatus Now Gentlemen’s Club knows. But that’s off the point.

I sat back and ambled quietly through the coverage and footage of E3, and found a great deal of nothing to get excited about. Okay, that’s a bit of a lie, as it goes. I’ve been interested in Epic Mickey since it was announced, and it seems to look better and better as time goes on. I also don’t own a Wii, and haven’t- No, I won’t take that line any further as I can see the jokes forming up in your head already.

So yes, Epic Mickey is the only thing that really stands out for me. A game I’ll probably never play on a system I have no urge to buy.

The big news, apparently, is that Sony and Microsoft are finally showing off their own answers to motion control. Microsoft’s offering was particularly dull, bordering on disturbing with what was dubbed by some as Tiger Molestation. No, I don’t find requesting my 360 to turn on rather than just pressing the button amazing. Nor do I find motion control in general particularly impressive.

I’ve heard suggestions for, say, Gears of War 3 where with Kinect you could mime throwing grenades, and they’d throw them on-screen. Or you could just press a button on a controller, and not look to all and sundry like a toolbox. I’m happy pressing buttons, it’s great. It works. I also admit there probably will be a time when motion controls will surpass them, but I also expect to be in a box long before then. Or possibly in a tasteful urn. Or on a pile of my enemies bloodied corpses. I like to keep my options open.

Point is, motion control appears to be good for dancing sims (Oh look, here’s one with Michael Jackson), shovelware minigame collections, and exercise software and little else. This might change, but if, say, Mass Effect 3 ends up being motion-control only, I’ll probably end up in a field covered in other people’s blood, missing my shoes, having lost two days.

Sony are apparently adding a paid premium element to their online service. Yes, that was my reaction too.

The other big announcement is the unveiling of the 3DS. It can do proper 3D, don’t you know. Of course, odds are if you’re reading this you didn’t attend E3, and like the rest of us who didn’t attend E3, you won’t have experienced the device, which makes it feel a bit Emperor’s New Clothes, if I’m honest. People are clamouring for it, but honestly? It looks like a gimmicky DS, a handheld that I’ve barely used since I bought it over three years ago. It does have a Starfox remake, however, so it won’t be all bad.

Oh yes. Remakes. Turns out, we will be getting my beloved Goldeneye revamped for the new generation. As a tarted-up, trampy Wii-exclusive that’s been butchered in any way Bobby “Whoreson Knave” Kotick could.
See, Goldeneye was great. At the time. I played the shit out of it, to the point that like everyone else, me and my friends came up with new “modes”, informal rules and codes of conduct. But this was over ten years ago, given that the game was released in 1997, and whilst it is, in many ways, for me still the perfect console shooter, its descendants have had thirteen years to take the many lessons to heart, and polish them to a mirror finish. I may not be able to stand Tom Clancy’s Call of Honour 2 – Modern Duty Recon: Ghost Warfare Cell, but it’s a better game. Or games. I might be getting some of them muddled up. Point is, Goldeneye is a very, very old game. Barely improving the graphics (Even at the time, the game had a face like a slapped arse, and these days, you can get better-looking games on your iPod) and dumping it with motion controls on the Wii (With a tacky gold plastic cradle for the Wiimote is a particularly garish touch) stinks of cash-in. They could have just done what they did to Perfect Dark. Everyone would have been happy.

But Goldeneye? Goldeneye has too much hype, too much nostalgia, too many memories of good times in bedrooms and dorms on long summer evenings, to be anything other than a letdown. You can’t recapture the magic.

So E3 2010. Motion Controls, Another DS, the carcasses of beloved classics dragged from their graves and paraded through the street by a grinning dog-molester, a dreary parade of franchise entries, MMOs, and copy-cat shooters. Forgive me if I find it hard to care.

As an aside, excuse the formatting of this, I copied it out of Word, and LiveJournal is being an prick about it.

Well, the next strip is up. It contains 30% of an adult male’s RDA of exposition, and 5% of their RDA of foreshadowing, both essential for regular bowel movements and healthy bones.

I don’t think you can fit in any more Eighties without having Margaret Thatcher actually killing and eating a miner on-screen.

Thing is, I’m not terribly fussed if games are art. I play games for enjoyment, and usually, that enjoyment is derived from blowing things up, or driving something into something else, and then blowing it up. Much as I’ve derived a huge amount of enjoyment from Just Cause 2, it’s like a Michael Bay film in game form – Plenty of explosions, but a plot that exists to facilitate things exploding, and a cast you couldn’t give a flying fuck about, although Just Cause 2 doesn’t have long, lingering shots of US Airforce hardware (Particularly helicopters). And most people’d be reluctant to call anything Michael Bay has ever touched, or even been in the same room as, or even viewed through a telescope, as art. I’d imagine most of those people would be reluctant to say Michael Bay has made a good film that didn’t star Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage, but there we go.

What I’m trying to say is most films aren’t what you’d immediately call “art”. If I’m honest and go through the listings for the past few weeks at the cinema, I’d call a large amount of it “shite”. Films can be art, and films can be entertaining. Games can be entertaining, and games can be “art”. For a given definition of art, and frankly, I can’t be arsed to define it because people will throw their definition at me. Everyone has their own take on that particular subject, but that’s not my point.

My point is, to me, the point of a computer game is for it to be entertaining. It can be innovative, it can be original, it can be utterly bloody bonkers, but it needs to be fun. If a game isn’t fun, it, to me, has missed the point. Same with films. If I haven’t enjoyed it, I really don’t care if it’s “art”, I’m more concerned about the fact I just wasted two hours of my life on something that has left me either irritable or bored. “Art” isn’t something a developer should strive for, what they should strive for is a good game. Plenty of people would classify Braid, or Portal, as art, but the great thing is they’re both solid games. You can go in for a fun puzzle experience, and walk away having enjoyed a fun puzzle experience. If there wasn’t the fun puzzle experience, no-one would have stuck around long enough to find anything else of merit.

In short? I think, personally, games can be art. But developers should focus on making good, fun, games first, rather than create pretentious wank that somehow ticks the “art” box. After all, we’ve plenty of films, books and even comics like that, we don’t need another medium populated by tossers who’re perpetually telling us just how clever they are.

Yeah, Virus has flown off back to Canada, so yay him, and yay LG who’ll be making sure he updates on a regular basis. Thanks to Pixellated for this Mass Effect 2-related comic edit.

A lot of it is a bit of a blur, as Team Fortress 2 tends to be given the fast-pace of the game itself. However, notable moments (From my perspective) include Scout-rushing on Well, and having pretty much ran straight for the opposition’s control point, only to get jumpy when there’s no-one around whatsoever. Turns out, no-one was. Which is why we secured a tidy win inside a minute.
The rest of the game is a blur of smashing in skulls with bats, or setting things on fire.

So, thanks to all involved.

This particular strip may or may not amuse you, depending on whether or not you watch the ITV adaptations of Poirot, usually repeated on ITV3.

May I be so bold as to suggest that you head on over to the mewling mass of sociopathic man-children forum, as we’re trying to get back into the swing of things regarding community multiplayer games, notably GTA IV (Via XBox Live) or Team Fortress 2 (Via Steam). Trouble is that only a few people show up, and a stab at getting everyone together for some Team Fortress 2 fell through when a grand total of five people signed up.

Ah, the wonders of progress. I daresay you’ll be actually hearing from me from a change. Unless you actually use the forum. In which case you’ll be hearing even more from me. Lucky, lucky you.

So, Blizzard and revealing information on the Crusade to all and sundry. There’s the new flying mounts, Armoured Gryphons and Wyvrens so we can all re-enact Top Gun, the Blood Elf and Draeni Mounts, the cockatrice and Elekk/Elephant Thing, there’s the PvP reboot. And of course, the startling revelation that the new raid dungeons in the expansion will all be capped at 25.

The Hardcore Raiding Crowd are screaming like a pile of whiny bitches, and everyone else either doesn’t care, somehow think the new cap will let casual players have a chance, or (Like me) is revelling in the Hardcore Raiding Crowds whinging. It’s a beautiful thing, as after around a year or so of waiting for something that isn’t a 40-man raid dungeon, the expansion is going back to what WoW was apparently promised to be. Apparently. There is of course the 40-man arguments that this will be the end of the world and it’ll suck and they’re cancelling, totally, I’m deleting my character, and I’m off to play Warhammer Online, shit it isn’t out. They’re easily shot down.

We’ll lose 15 of our friends, as they’ll need to be kicked so we have the right number!

Jesus, what a jerk. You’ve 40 people, correct? And you need twenty-five. Why not… just get another ten people? Then you’ll have fifty, which is two twenty-five man raids. I mean, you guys have been howling for the past year or so that getting a raid for the ‘Core isn’t that hard, you just need to get forty people. But now you’re saying another ten people is an impossible, epic task, something even the mightiest of heroes is incapable of.

If you’re still incapable of getting ten people, use a rota system. If that’s too much, you’re not much of a guild. Guilds doing the Core, who haven’t even downed Rag, are capable of rota systems.

It’s pointless, casuals won’t be able to do it anyway!

You’re right here. Casuals won’t. These raids, whilst smaller than Naxxramas, will be harder. Far harder. Everyone will need to know their role, be able to execute it flawlessly, be clanging around in Tier 3, and be willing and able to drop 300+ on repairs. The size means casuals will merely think they can, but they won’t stand a chance. A shame? No. There’s shitloads of five to fifteen man raids coming up, so why worry? The lowered raid cap means the Hardcore Crowd will have to do what the rest of us has had to do since we’ve gotten nothing but dull little events and 40-man raid dungeons… adapt to the shifting game-plan.

We don’t want to adapt!

Well, this is amusing. A guild capable of having Neferian on farm status, of downing C’thun, of being able to progress happily through Naxxramas, is incapable of adapting to the shifting emphasis. I call bullshit.

You don’t want to change? Fair play. No-one says you have to do anything in the game. I don’t enjoy dungeons that much, so I prefer to quest, craft and farm. You state you won’t like the twenty-five man raids, so don’t do them. What’s left? Doing the same “old” content. Welcome to the world of the casual and the soloist, boys. We’ve had to do this since you kept getting all the new content.

We’re going to leave!

Erm, hooray? No-one ever forced you guys to stick around. I’m sure Blizzard is grateful for the fees you paid, and will no doubt wish you good fortune for future endevours. But you are, however, the minority. Even if you’re a quarter, which I doubt, even less would have downed Neferian. And less would have done C’thun. Barely more than a few hundred (Out of six million) would have even seen Kel’thuzad by the Crusade. So by adding a plethora of new content that everyone can access, rather than just the elite few, everyone is happy.

Except, apparently, the hardcore few who feel only they should get anything new, because they somehow think that because they forsake the real world for Azeroth, Blizzard apparently owe them something. Which Blizzard most certainly do not.

I do, however, want iTunes integration with the PC version. Simply so it’s easier for me to listen to Danger Zone when I get my Flying Mount and (Poorly) re-enact Top Gun.

Eastwood – forst shok, lol