So, E3 has been and gone.

What a load of wank.

I’ll be honest, my grasp on gaming has slipped somewhat over the years, as my free time is taken up by other activities, and the number of games released that interest me seems to drop. For example, I’m not a massive fan of first person shooters, so releasing an unceasing parade of browny-grey shooters that all look the same isn’t going to change my opinion. As such, the only FPS from the last few years I truly get a kick out of is Team Fortress 2, as any member of the Exterminatus Now Gentlemen’s Club knows. But that’s off the point.

I sat back and ambled quietly through the coverage and footage of E3, and found a great deal of nothing to get excited about. Okay, that’s a bit of a lie, as it goes. I’ve been interested in Epic Mickey since it was announced, and it seems to look better and better as time goes on. I also don’t own a Wii, and haven’t- No, I won’t take that line any further as I can see the jokes forming up in your head already.

So yes, Epic Mickey is the only thing that really stands out for me. A game I’ll probably never play on a system I have no urge to buy.

The big news, apparently, is that Sony and Microsoft are finally showing off their own answers to motion control. Microsoft’s offering was particularly dull, bordering on disturbing with what was dubbed by some as Tiger Molestation. No, I don’t find requesting my 360 to turn on rather than just pressing the button amazing. Nor do I find motion control in general particularly impressive.

I’ve heard suggestions for, say, Gears of War 3 where with Kinect you could mime throwing grenades, and they’d throw them on-screen. Or you could just press a button on a controller, and not look to all and sundry like a toolbox. I’m happy pressing buttons, it’s great. It works. I also admit there probably will be a time when motion controls will surpass them, but I also expect to be in a box long before then. Or possibly in a tasteful urn. Or on a pile of my enemies bloodied corpses. I like to keep my options open.

Point is, motion control appears to be good for dancing sims (Oh look, here’s one with Michael Jackson), shovelware minigame collections, and exercise software and little else. This might change, but if, say, Mass Effect 3 ends up being motion-control only, I’ll probably end up in a field covered in other people’s blood, missing my shoes, having lost two days.

Sony are apparently adding a paid premium element to their online service. Yes, that was my reaction too.

The other big announcement is the unveiling of the 3DS. It can do proper 3D, don’t you know. Of course, odds are if you’re reading this you didn’t attend E3, and like the rest of us who didn’t attend E3, you won’t have experienced the device, which makes it feel a bit Emperor’s New Clothes, if I’m honest. People are clamouring for it, but honestly? It looks like a gimmicky DS, a handheld that I’ve barely used since I bought it over three years ago. It does have a Starfox remake, however, so it won’t be all bad.

Oh yes. Remakes. Turns out, we will be getting my beloved Goldeneye revamped for the new generation. As a tarted-up, trampy Wii-exclusive that’s been butchered in any way Bobby “Whoreson Knave” Kotick could.
See, Goldeneye was great. At the time. I played the shit out of it, to the point that like everyone else, me and my friends came up with new “modes”, informal rules and codes of conduct. But this was over ten years ago, given that the game was released in 1997, and whilst it is, in many ways, for me still the perfect console shooter, its descendants have had thirteen years to take the many lessons to heart, and polish them to a mirror finish. I may not be able to stand Tom Clancy’s Call of Honour 2 – Modern Duty Recon: Ghost Warfare Cell, but it’s a better game. Or games. I might be getting some of them muddled up. Point is, Goldeneye is a very, very old game. Barely improving the graphics (Even at the time, the game had a face like a slapped arse, and these days, you can get better-looking games on your iPod) and dumping it with motion controls on the Wii (With a tacky gold plastic cradle for the Wiimote is a particularly garish touch) stinks of cash-in. They could have just done what they did to Perfect Dark. Everyone would have been happy.

But Goldeneye? Goldeneye has too much hype, too much nostalgia, too many memories of good times in bedrooms and dorms on long summer evenings, to be anything other than a letdown. You can’t recapture the magic.

So E3 2010. Motion Controls, Another DS, the carcasses of beloved classics dragged from their graves and paraded through the street by a grinning dog-molester, a dreary parade of franchise entries, MMOs, and copy-cat shooters. Forgive me if I find it hard to care.

As an aside, excuse the formatting of this, I copied it out of Word, and LiveJournal is being an prick about it.