How does one describe someone like Inquisitor-Brother Eastwood? Most of his colleagues settle on ‘wanker’ and leave it at that. He’s a vile, womanising, arrogant, paranoid, caffeine addict. That is to say, he would be womanising, except he has worse luck with women than a Hound Berserker that hasn’t heard of soap. This has led to a vast accumulation of pornography; so vast that it flooded half the memory of the CABAL network and actually shut it down for a week, despite CABAL’s numerous safeguards to prevent such an occurrence.

He is the bane of the Tyrusian School For Attractive Sixteen-year-old Schoolgirls, having been thrown off the grounds of the site no less than three hundred times over a ten year period. In addition, he has the dubious honour of being excommunicated for three weeks after setting fire to the High Council’s vending machine after it apparently “Put stealth creamer in my coffee, the tin bastard!” How he is still alive, let alone an Inquisitor, continues to baffle High Command.

On a positive note, physically Eastwood can be extremely quick and agile when he feels that the situation warrants. Unfortunately, this is usually only when his well-documented arachnophobia comes into play.

Nobody is quite sure how Zuviel ever made the grade for full inquisitor rank. Clerical error is suspected, but unproven. To call him incompetent would be unfair, as Zuviel is actually very good at what he does. Unfortunately, what he actually “does” has yet to be determined. A career underachiever, he has about as much self-motivation as a Fernexite has social skills. He is calm and collected, except under pressure when it counts, and while possessed mostly of good intentions, he is either too lazy, cowardly, or just plain idiotic to follow through. And he never files his damned paperwork on time either.

Some would call Zuviel a radical inquisitor. Others would just call him a bastard heretic. Radicalism is a recognised modus operandi among the Inquisition, and controlled use of certain black arts can prove very effective when practiced by a responsible and cautious agent. “The ends justifies the means,” is the philosophy of the radicalist. Zuviel is neither responsible nor cautious, and seems to think that the “means” can be justified by being “good for a laugh.”

With any luck, he will cross paths with an intolerant Tyrusian inquisitor who will remove him from our concerns.

A freelance mercenary hired by Zuviel and Eastwood to aid them in their quest against heresy. Though a less appropriate agent of justice would be difficult to imagine, considering Hex’s less-than-sparkling record. He is loud, angry, brash, arrogant, cynical and sarcastic. So not unlike Eastwood himself in many respects. He is also, to be frank, a criminal. A criminal that fate has placed on entirely the wrong end of the Holy Inquisition’s wrath.

With warrants for arrest on almost every continent, for crimes ranging from the trivial (more counts of curb-crawling and drunk and disorderliness than can be estimated), to the serious (assault and battery, murder one, large scale videogame theft and piracy), to outright treason to throne and country (mooning His Majesty the King of Crownshead on 43 separate occasions). Indeed, this being’s mere existence is a blasphemy, for Hex was created under an illegal Overlander bioweapon program using genetic material from the extinct race of Echidnas.

In short, Hex rightfully deserves nothing more than to be purged from the face of the planet. Frustratingly however, by being officially inducted into the warband of an inquisitor, Hex has been acquitted of all crimes to date, and is therefore exempt from punishment. Someone on the Council needs to bloody well read what they’re signing. Attempts at erasing him on an ‘unofficial’ basis have proven so far unsuccessful. For the moment, we are prepared to let the heathen live. The Council are not without mercy. Besides, he’s eating more of our black budget than the Librum Diabolicus and the Fnord Conspiracy put together, and we can’t afford to lose any more special ops teams.

A treasure hunter once contracted by the Government to keep tabs on the mysterious Project Shadow, Rouge is a female bat wh – Wait, did you mean Rogue? Rogue the Cat? Sorry, wrong file.

*ahem*

Ryoushi Nekittou is a member of the ancient monastic order known as the Daemon Hunters, whose base of operations is nestled deep within Taika, and is better known by the name of “Rogue” anywhere but their home village as per Daemon Hunter tradition. Seperate from the Inquisition, but with similar goals, the Daemon Hunters are dedicated to hunting the daemonic and by extention their followers. Rogue is a powerful and dedicated member of his order.

However, his dedicated and serious nature is somewhat overwhelmed by his sheer arrogance. He is cocky, sardonic, and his own opinion of himself and his abilities far outweighs his actual skill – which has landed him in trouble he is ill-equipped to handle on several occassions. One time he thought he could take on a 500 man strong cannibal cult by himself. Luckily for him, reinforcements arrived just before they added the spices. Still, they had shaved his fur off by that time – which explains his other nickname around his fellow Daemon Hunters. “Nudist”.

Commander Antonius Schaefer is the brave, noble field liason of the Meridian sector of the Inquisition. A consummate professional, he is regarded with the utmost respect and admiration among his subordinates. Any vicious, libellous rumours of his private life are entirely and 100% fabricated, no matter what photos you may have seen circulating.

-Last updated 21 Sep 3234 by Schaefer, A.

Aide and dogsbody to Commander-In-Chief Schaefer, Simmons is a smug and smarmy little git who would’ve been fired for insubordination by now, if it wasn’t for the inconvenience that would cause in the Commander’s offices. I mean, he knows where everything is. I’d have to go through all the rigamarole of training a new guy, and Simmons already knows just how I like my coffee, and I’m quite particular about it, it could take weeks for a new aide to get right. Plus, to be quite honest, it’s very hard to tell sometimes if Simmons is actually being insubordinate or not. He does this dead-pan sarcasm thing, and it’s like, are you being sincere, or are you taking the piss out of me? Very frustrating.

To sum up: competent aide; snarky git.

His first name is ‘Riktor’? Since when?

Okay, very funny guys. “Let’s remove all the covert operative’s entries from the CABAL Database! Hah, look at me! I’m so clever.” I’m not impressed with this shit. You know how long it takes me to write these things up? Now I’ve got to go back through the entire godsdamn database all over again and see if I can remember who half of these damn spies are even supposed to be.

Right, so. Jamilla Townsend, aka The Elusive Camel. Gods, we really need to get a team on coming up with some more codenames before we do another recruitment push. Elusive Camel, what the hell? Can’t even remember who this is. Oh, says here she scored very well on the infiltration parts of the covert ops training. Maybe she’s just forgettable?

Whatever. I’ve got a bloody database to rebuild, no thanks to some clown in the Archives. I’ve got my eye on you chaps.

Once a promising inquisitor, Morth fostered an obsession with the Dark God of Lies, and ultimately turned rogue, embracing the Darkness he had sworn to fight against. Proving early in his career that everything he touches turns to shit, Inquisitor Eastwood was a key figure in the incident and subsequent investigation. As a friend and partner of the traitor, Eastwood was held and questioned thoroughly about the possibility of concealing prior knowledge of the badger’s corruption, but was found to be completely ignorant. A conclusion that still applies to this day.

Morth resurfaced some years later, having built a substantial cult following, and staged an assassination attempt on the Meridian Commander-In-Chief, likely recognising that the popular Inquisitor Lord’s death would deal a devastating blow to Inquisition morale. Thankfully, the attempt failed, but the brave Commander was hospitalised for some time. As a result, some clown put Eastwood of all people in charge of a Black Guard airborne squadron. To absolutely no one’s surprise, the operation was an utter failure, and the rogue inquisitor escaped. True, Morth’s plan was foiled, his stronghold destroyed, and his cult decimated, but this doubtless only served to enrage him and make him even more dangerous. The one silver lining in these events is that, should Morth return with another deadly scheme, he will probably kill Eastwood first, giving the rest of us plenty of warning.

Yuri Keila is another of the Taikan Daemon Hunters, and as per tradition is known as “Wildfire” outside of their monastary village. Though young, and having only having fairly recently completed her training, Wildfire is nontheless considered a fully fledged Daemon Hunter by her peers.

Wildfire displays an incredible aptitude for melee combat, outpacing similarly aged Daemon Hunters and Inquisitors in pure martial skill by several orders of magnitude. That said, though a combat prodigy, Wildfire is an abysmally bad tactician and theorist; Prone to massive collateral damage and poor daemonic recognition, and has trouble following orders at the best of times. She is reputed to have managed to destroy every piece of training equipment in Jin Kansoku at least once, and has nearly burned down their main temple on three seperate occassions.

It is possible that such combat aptitude could be brought to bear against the Forces of Darkness as an effective weapon, if put under the guidance of a competent inquisitor with a good grasp of tactical prowess and leadership, and not the pair of idiots that is Eastwood and Zuviel. Time will tell if this is to be the case. However, it is fervently hoped by High Command that should she continue to work under Inquisition liason that she doesn’t cause more property damage that we can afford to pay for – the Insurance premiums are bad enough with the Tyrusian Puritans.

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