I have no idea which comic is supposed to be going up with this update, but I’m pretty sure its shit. My apologies, I have a new rant which should make up for it. Or offend you, most likely the latter. First however I have a new piece of fan art, Identity Crisis by Gibbo. Thanks man, sorry it took so long to put up (I got it two weeks ago).

So anyway, the rant this week is:

I FUCKING HATE MEL GIBSON.

No really, I hope he fucking dies.

This stems from my sister watching “What Women Want” on telly last night. I remember going to see this at the cinema with my friends when it first came out. It’s the only movie I ever walked out of. IT’S FUCKING CRAP! It’s just a massive ego-stroke for Mel.

Then there’s the whole “Passion of the Christ” thing. I’m no fan of any religion (though on my Birth Certificate I am counted as “Church of England/Christian” thanks mum . -) but I think the central message of “Passion” is a bit fucked up. “Jews are evil”. And Mel Gibson doesn’t help by saying “Jews don’t have a problem with the film, they have a problem with the Gospels”. Yes because we all fucking KNOW that the Bible is “the word of God” and should be taken at face value. Especially the bits that say gays are evil and that black and Asian people are. Excuse me but wasn’t Jesus born in the Middle East? A place that at the time had very few white people and still does? And don’t give me that “Virgin Birth” thing, you know that was actually mistranslated right from “pure birth” right? And even then don’t give me that crap about Jesus being white because he was more “pure” than everybody else was. Just because something was written in a book doesn’t make it true. And yes, the Bible and any other religious books such as the Tora or the Koran are just books. They are not “THE” book. Though I think there may be a good message in there somewhere it’s hidden under all the small-minded prejudiced bullshit that has been added and edited by man over the last few thousand years, plus people using them to justify shit like the Crusades and Genocide in general doesn’t help.

But anyway, my point is that I fucking hate Mel Gibson, but you know why I REALLY hate him?

BRAVEHEART. And you know why I hate him because of Braveheart? THAT MOVIE IS NOT ACCURATE IN THE SLIGHTEST.

Yes there was a bloke called William Wallace who led the Scottish in a rebellion against the English, which is about as far as the accuracy goes. Before I say anything else, I will acknowledge that in the past the English were right fucking arseholes all right? But we weren’t the Nazis that Mel seems to portray us as. I also want to apologise to my Scottish friends Allan and Jenni in advance; none of this is a dig at Scotland. It’s about why I HATE Mel Gibson because of the way he fucks up history and whenever I talk to someone from America about Braveheart who takes the film at face value, I have to spend an hour explaining to them this film is about as accurate as my recollection of being conceived. So sorry in advance if any of this upsets you.

Let’s take this one step at a time shall we?

1) At the end of Braveheart it suggest that the Scottish won their freedom from England. NO THEY FUCKING DIDN’T. The Scottish won 3 battles of that war. Then got their arse handed to them by the English who pretty much went around and slaughtered them, getting far to close to wiping most of them out for my liking (see this is one of those “the English were fucking arseholes” bits I was on about).

2) WILLIAM WALLACE NEVER FUCKED THE FUTURE KING’S WIFE AND SHE NEVER HAD HIS KID. I dunno what the FUCK Gibson was trying to say with this part of the film, but it is 100% fuckwitted BULLSHIT with a capital SHIT. The wife of Edward, Prince of Wales, Princess Isabelle of France never met Wallace, EVER.

3) THE SCOTTISH BETRAYED WALLACE TO THE ENGLISH. Know how in the film Wallace just kind of gets captured in the middle of the war? WRONG! After the English beat the Scottish Wallace went into hiding to fight another day as it war. The man who would become known. The Scottish leaders betrayed Wallace and told the English where to find him.

4) WALLACE HAD A MUST WORSE EXECUTION. He was dragged through the streets alive, then hung, drawn and quartered. To be drawn is to have one’s intestines ripped from the body and burned a hideously painful act that extends the torture because the victims do not die immediately. Afterwards, William Wallace was quartered, a despicable act of cruelty which consists of having all one’s limbs and head cut off.

Following the public execution, Wallace’s head was stuck onto a pole, which was placed in a prominent location on London Bridge, thus giving it the greatest exposure possible. A similar fate met his arms and legs: his right arm was displayed on Newcastle bridge, his left arm went to Berwick, his right leg to Perth and his left leg to Aberdeen. Legend has it that Wallace’s left leg ended up in the wall at St. Machars Cathedral. (Again I must say that the English were complete ARSEHOLES at this point in history).

So yeah, basically all Braveheart says to me that Mel Gibson really hates the English and likes to stroke his fucking ego. Yet still release his movies over here. Wanker. And don’t even get me started on Braveheart 2, also known as “The Patriot”. So if you’re reading this Mr Gibson (seriously, the chances of that happening are like 1 in 2 Zillion) I have a message for you:

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Thank you.