Hey look a new tertiary character
NO SHE WILL NOT BE JOINING THE GUYS AS A 5TH MEMBER OF THE EN CREW BEFORE ANY OF YOU ASK!
Yes fan art still needs updating, but I really can’t be arsed. Might do it tomorrow. But in the mean-time KEEP VOTING FOR US! PSY’S GARDEN CHASE DRIVE IS CATCHING UP, DO NOT LET THEM CLAIM THE #2 SPOT OR I WILL SHIT ON YOUR PARENTS!
Right, today’s rant will be on one of my many pet hates. Today it shall be that most annoying thing to hear at 6am on a Sunday…
Miniature motorbikes. Now I’m not talking about toy ones, I’m talking about these real ones that run on petrol and are about 1/10th the scale of their real equivalents. I can understand children wanting to ride them, but full grown ADULTS? I do not see how a grown person could possibly be expected to be taken seriously after being seen riding one of these things.
Man: I swear Ultra Traffic Warden Squad! This is a real motorbike, not a child’s toy! It makes me look incredibly cool and manly!
Warden #1: Sure buddy. Look ,as soon as I finish this crossword puzzle my colleague here is going to whip out a 12 inch strap-on dildo and arse-rape you to death OK?
Warden #2: I bet you scream real pretty…
.
You want to know how cool these things make you look? I was driving my mother’s purple Nissan Micra (similar to this one) home from work. My mother’s car has a blue plastic dolphin handing from the rear view mirror, a knitted dog hand on one of the side windows in the back, a teddy bear from the other side window. It also has a Tasmanian Devil and a blackcurrant berry cuddly toy on either side of the rear window. Coming the opposite way down the street was a guy of around 5’8” to 6’1” riding one of these mini bikes. I looked ten times cooler than he did.
Biker #1: Aww man, don’t we look so bloody cool on these bikes? It’s like we’re REAL MotoGP racers!
Biker #2: You know what would be really cool? If I was dead.
For God’s sake I’ve seen kids do their paper rounds on these things. THEIR PAPER ROUNDS! WITH THE BAG DRAGGING ALONG ON THE PAVEMENT! WHY HASN’T ANYONE RUN THESE BASTARDS OVER YET? And they make the most annoying high-pitched whirring noise I have ever heard in my life. The damn things are actually ILLEGAL to drive on the roads because they go a maximum of about 10 miles an hour, and you can’t drive them on the pavement either because their a danger to people walking. The only reasons I can thing of for these things being built are:
1) Midget stunt doubles, like the ones used in the massive and overly drawn out highway scene Matrix Reloaded. That entire scene was filmed with Midgets.
2) For the Shriners who just HAVE to be different.
3) Something for the guy in the rubber Godzilla suit to stomp on so he actually looks huge by comparison.
4) So Fido doesn’t have to rely on his master to get him to the park
5) Three words. EXTREME BABY RACING!
6) Beating people over the head with, like Jet Li did in “The One.”
Aside from these, I see no practical use for them. It’s not like you can pop down the shops with them. Even the most highly tuned racing bike has room for at least one bag of Doritos, a DVD case or something. What the hell can you store in these things? A grape? A peanut? A sperm sample? Ew, that’s just sick! Why are you storing sperm in your tiny motorbike you filthy, filthy devil pagan! You disgust me, go take your tiny bike for a long drive off a short cliff!
See you Friday.
