And speaking of stupid cartoon shows (see that? That’s a called a segue. Seamless, wasn’t it? You wouldn’t believe this is improv), I gotta ask. Who in the names of the gods watches ‘The Cramp Twins’? I asked myself this question back when Cartoon Network was advertising new episodes (using a Green Day song in the adverts, the heathen bastards) – clearly somebody had to watch it, to get ratings, so as not to get canned. And I ask it again now, when they have ‘Cramp Twins Week’. Seriously, who? This cartoon is absolutely unbearably bad. I can name not one single redeeming feature. Animation and design style – horrible. Storylines – boring. Comedy – nil. Action – nil. Characters – and this is the kicker – not a single likeable character. At all. It’s actually quite amazing. It’s like they’ve deliberately crafted each and every character to remove any trace of appeal that might exist. The one you’re supposed to most identify with is a whiny, snobby, self-centered, Greenpeace extremist. The rival fails to be someone you ‘love to hate’, fails to be funny because of stupidity (in the way Homer Simpson is, for example), and instead comes off as every ignorant, hateful, bullying cretin you’ve ever met. One parent is an obsessive-compulsive clean-freak (and that’s the only dimension to her character). The other is a meek and inconsequential fool. Supporting cast – All. Suck.

I just don’t get this show on any level. Is it supposed to make me laugh? Is it supposed to make me cry? Is it supposed to make me gouge my brain out through my eye socket with a fork?

I’m usually quite tolerant of cartoon shows. Spongebob Square Pants annoys me, but it still raises a laugh, and I can at least see why other people might like it. I used to hate Ed, Edd and Eddie, but, while Eddie still bugs the crap out of me, I can actually sorta watch this show now. Those are shows that, if I’m in the room and my brother has possession of the remote, I can at least tolerate. But Cramp Twins? Just… Just no. Watching it causes my face to involunatrily screw up in distaste. As though staring at a rotting, maggoty animal carcass rather than a TV screen.

So who in hell watches this shit? An even more puzzling question, who in the hell writes, storyboards, and keyframes this shit? Logic dictates that a number of humans must take part in these tasks. What’s wrong with them? Are they masochistically punishing themselves? Can’t they think of better ways to hurt themselves, ways that don’t inflict their misery on us, the audience? Are they trying to further the decline of western animation, forcing networks to import more and more poorly dubbed and massively edited anime? Are they evil men who simply hate children and possibly eat babies? The inbetweeners are excused, because they work for peanuts in Korea or somewhere. Bloody outsourcing.

Somebody cancel this godsforsaken show. The fact that excrement like this continues to be made, while Invader Zim got axed halfway through the second season galls me.