Two new bits of fan art. The first is of Blasphemy by Kiritora. The second is probably the most realistic/wrong picture of Lothar ever by Anna “Bob Todd” Williams. If you haven’t noticed, the bionics are the wrong way round, but it’s still very cool.

On Friday I made a passing reference to one of the stupidest cartoons to ever regurgitate out of the early 1990’s.

*half the audience groans*

Now for those of you either not old enough to remember it, Captain Planet was about these 5 kids from different parts of the world who were given five powerful rings containing the elements of the world, plus another one, by the spirit of the Earth “Gaia” (Mother Nature) who went around fighting villains who polluted the planet, poached animals, or committed any other ecology related crime. When they got up to their necks in shit (which was all the damn time), they would combine the powers of their rings and create a superhero who looked almost as homosexual as He-Man (watch the old 80’s version and try and tell me it’s not full of gay subtext, it’s impossible!), who was basically Superman but could be weakened by second hand smoke.

Basically it was THE most politically correct cartoon show ever created. You know at the end of some cartoons they try to preach morals or educate you? Well imagine a full thirty minutes of that and you get an idea of what Captain Planet was like. The kids all came from different parts of the world. There was the black kid/leader from Africa who had the power of “earth” which meant he could make earthquakes and control everything ground based. “Wheeler” who was American, stupid, and always in trouble with the law. An obvious candidate for the most destructive power, fire. Minka/Linka/Inka/Pinka/Whatever, who was from “Eastern Europe” (read: Russia) and could control “wind” and was the butt of many a fart joke. Some Chinese girl who I can’t remember the name of who got the power of “water” because she was a marine biologist and probably fucked dolphins or something. And finally, some South American kid with a monkey who got absolutely stiffed when it came to powers, he got the power of “heart”. This allowed him to feel the “heart” and pain of anything. Animals, people, trees whatever. Hell I think he felt the pain of a ROCK in one episode. Oh and it also let him communicate telepathically with his friends, which was useful since he got captured every two episodes.

Add to this the fact that the villains they faced were either scientists bent on polluting the world for no reason, mutants bent on polluting/destroying the world for no reason, and business men (CAPITALISM BAD!). With names like “Looten Plunder”, geddit? “Loot and plunder”, god those script writers were a witty bunch weren’t they? One of the other villains was called, I shit thee not, “Duke Nukem”. Who was basically a big yellow bloke in a Hawaiian shirt that was radioactive. Not the muscular testosterone fuelled manly-man who fought space pigs who we all love.

Now I want to know something, why did Gaia decide that she need 5 moronic kids to police the world for crimes against Earth when EVERY DAMN EPISODE they called Captain Planet who solved the problem in like 5 minutes? Why didn’t she just make Captain Planet and have him go out and kick the shit out of everything. Probably cos they wouldn’t be able to drag the plot out for half an hour actually. Another advantage would be that she could have sex with someone without being arrested for paedophilia Although I dunno if human laws actually have any legal power over the personification over an abstract pagan god who wears bedsheets and sandals.

Also, two of the ring users worry me. Wheeler rushed into situations blindy, was constantly in trouble with the law, and then tried to beat up a bloke who had a gun the size of a small family car. And was quite frankly about as intelligent as a cornflake. Is that the person who should be walking around with a ring that lets him set ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on fire? That’d be like letting a mental patient into a room full of orphans with an Uzi. Sure the IDEA is that after he shoots the first 2 or 3 dead he’ll learn thegun is actually quite dangerous and he shouldn’t play with it, but in actuality he’s gonna keep going until he runs of ammo or orphans.

The second one that worries me is the South American kid. Why? Because sooner or later he’s gonna realise he got absolutely scrwed when it came to powers he’s gonna go into a massive homicidal rage and slaughter everyone. Everyone else gets rings that do something cool like set fir to things, create floods, tornados, or earthquakes. He gets the power to feel everyone’s pain and read animals minds. Oh sure, being able to hear what animals think may be cool for a while and might help solve some mysteries of the animal kingdom. But after a while it’d get pretty dull hearing a Aardvark’s thoughts. “Ants are food, must find more ants, then have a shit. Sleep and repeat.” In the show he was also the youngest, so while everyone else was off fucking each other, all he could do was listen to their thoughts as Kwame imagined that the Russia bitch was Wonder Woman or something.

I also question the villains plans. Not their evilness, hey putting oil into the sea just for the hell of it is pretty evil, but whats the point? Its probably costing you millions a day to do that and considering none of your crimes are for anything you could actually make money from (except the poachers) I gotta wonder what you’re going to do when your money runs out. Here’s a better idea, use your damn technology to stealoil and hold it for ransom or something! Sure James Bond will probably come along and blow you up, but at least you won’t have to deal with a pyromaniac, a communist, a gardener, a future bukakae star, a future homicidal lunatic and a super powered being who’s blue and may possibly want to hump you leg.

One time the villains got together and made evil versions of the Planeteers rings and madfe an evil Captain Planet, named Captain Pollution, who was exactly the same as Captain Planet, but orange and evil. The theory behind this was that because Captain Planet can be weakend by pollution a guy made of pollution would kill him, aastoundingly this didn’t work. Plus I think Pollution tried to cover up his homosexuality by being overly destructive and macho. Look, Pollution, if you’re gay, fine, just be comftable with it. Hell Captain Planet is and he regulary kicks your arse.

Before I go, heres something I want to share with you:

TheWorldZyuRz88: yo british wank
Lothar: Excuse me?
TheWorldZyuRz88: you heard me<
Lothar: Oh boy
TheWorldZyuRz88: softy
Lothar: A retarded monkey learned how to use a typewriter
Lothar: What the fuck do you want?
TheWorldZyuRz88: so did oyur mother but she also learned how to knock my cock
Lothar: Is there a point to this or should I just block you now and save myself some time?
TheWorldZyuRz88: iam jsut playing
Lothar: No, your being a rude offensive little shit with the I.Q of a dead eels arsehole
TheWorldZyuRz88: t
TheWorldZyuRz88: o seriously wahts your iq?
Lothar: So fuck off and go masturbate to some horse porn or something
Lothar: *block*
TheWorldZyuRz88: no thats you fucker

And this is one of the many reaons why I’m taking my AIM contact info OFF the site. I am fucking sick of retarded little shits contacing me with this crap. So go bother someone with a similar I.Q. (I recommend a goldfish) and go bitch about my rants to somebody who gives a flying fuck.