Guest Comic news: I’ve received one definite guest comic and a possible one. You have until the end of this week to get them in. So hurry up! Send them to lotharhex@gmail.com.

This comedic rant thing isn’t as easy as it looks you know. It gets harder and harder to try and come up with new material, so I’m not actually sure if I havent touched on one of the things I’m gonna talk about today. Though I’m pretty sure someone else has. So if I have, tough crap, coming up with new material is hard, and I can still be successful comedian by doing the same jokes over and over again. Hell if Seinfeld can do it, why can’t I?

So anyway, I was sitting around and typing out my Cinema Studies essay and wondering about a couple of Greek Legends. Yes my essay is THAT boring. Anyway, I take issue with two, the one about Achilles and the Siege of Troy.

The one about Achilles is pretty well known, but if you don’t know it, here’s a quick summary. Achilles mum used to dip him in the River Styx, the waterway that leads to the Underworld/land of the dead. Personally I think his bitch of a mother was trying to drown him. So is mother continued to dip him in the river, probably because she had obsessive compulsive disorder, but he doesn’t die as planned. Instead he becomes stupidly strong and invulnerable to pain all over his body, except his heel, which is where his mother used to hold him when she dipped him in the river. So naturally, he becomes a soldier and kills people, because frankly, if you’re super strong and invulnerable, you’re not exactly qualified to direct traffic.

One day he’s rampaging through a battlefield, when all of a sudden, someone stabs him in the heel. And he dies. INSTANTLY. Ok, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty damn sure it would take more than a stab in the heel to kill somebody. Ok, if you sliced the damn thing off and didn’t receive medical treatment you’d either bleed to death or get gangrene, but that would take days. But Achilles just drops down dead instantly. I suppose there is a moral in there somewhere, but like fuck can I figure out what it is apart from “don’t let people stab you in the foot”.

The Siege of Troy is one that screams to me that nobody has any common sense. Again, if you didn’t know, King of Troy kidnaps/convinces ( I forget which) the wife/lover of some Grecian king. So he rounds up his entire army, gets 1000 ships together and takes them all to Troy to get her back. They then spend the next DECADE laying siege to Troy. Then one day, one of the Greeks has the “brilliant” idea to hide a few hundred men in a horse, wait for the Trojans to take it into the city. The slaughter them all in their sleep. You’d think that was pretty daft, but it only goes and fucking WORKS!

Ok, so let me list the issues with this:

1) I can understand the Greek king wanting his wife back and somehow managing to convince his army to go to Troy. After all, it’s HIS army, he pays their wages to kill people, not to consider what’s in their best interest. But anyway, I know battles in Ancient times could take months, maybe years, but seriously. TEN YEARS spent laying siege to ONE city? With an army numbering in the thousands? What the hell? That has got to be the most useless army in the history of armed warfare. And what gets me is that NO soldier during those ten years thought “Bugger this” and went home. Hell I’m surprised the entire army didn’t just tell the King to fuck off, murdered him when he got shirty, and said sorry to the Trojans for laying siege to them and killing a few thousand of its citizens before buggering off back to Greece to buy sexual favours from prostitutes and drink themselves to death. Look, if the King can’t get into the walls after ONE year, it’s time to start question his strategies. I mean what the fuck were you doing these ten years? Shouting obscenities hoping they’d open the door?

2) The fact nobody thought the Horse idea was daft, let’s forget that at the time it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to actually construction a huge wooden sculpture capable of containing hundreds of Greek soldiers in a DAY. All it would take is one volley of flaming arrows and the entire plan is scuppered. That said, I get the feeling everyone just agreed to the plan because it was something new from their current tactics of running up to the walls, getting shot at, dying, and possibly getting a few Trojans to come outside for some hand to hand fighting. It may also have something to do with the fact that the bloke who came up with the idea knew how fucking stupid the Trojans were.

3) The absolute stupidity of the Trojans. What ever happened to the night watch? Didn’t they figure it was bit odd that a load of Greeks had buggered off? Didn’t they hear the thing being constructed a few hundred metres away, hell didn’t they SEE the damn thing being built? It’s not like a 100ft wooden stature of a horse is hard to miss. Getting on to morning, didn’t the Trojans think it was odd when some of the opposing army dragged this horse up to the gates, said “We’re going home, have a present!” then ran away giggling? I would find it very suspicious if my arch nemesis (DAMN YOU POSTMAN PAT!) suddenly gave me an origami Crane (the bird, not the construction vehicle). According to the legend, there was one bloke who suggested that it was very suspicious, but he was then suddenly and conveniently eaten by a sea serpent. Talk about unlucky. Anyway they drag the thing inside their city, have a few (hundred) beers and go to bed early. And then get murdered in their sleep by the Greek army. As Lister of Red Dwarf fame once said, “People THAT stupid DESERVE to be murdered in their beds.”

Well that’s all for me for today. Enjoy the comic and see you Friday.