East made, this, but I feel it is very true.
Right, a while back I talked about Dan Brown’s book “The Da Vinci Code”, since then I have also read “Angels and Demons”, “Deception Point” and glanced through “Digital Fortress” and you know what?
THEY’RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME.
Seriously, you wanna know how to write a Dan Brown book? Follow this simple step-by-step guide.
1) Have someone die at the beginning for no real reason.
2) Have a powerful individual/organization under threat in it, Catholic Church/Pope or U.S. Government/President. Throw in a conspiracy theory about them to sell the books.
3) Have them be in some sort of crisis. Attacked by mysterious third party for example.
4) Get the main character whisked away to a secret location in some stupidly fancy vehicle without them knowing what the fuck is going on.
5) Main character meets secondary character of equal intelligence and opposite sex.
6) Fantastic discovery is made by characters, but missing vital evidence.
7) Third party attacks main characters to find/stop the fantastic discovery.
8) Long chase scene with other characters getting either murdered or hurt badly.
9) Vital evidence is found, discovery turns out to be a hoax.
10) Mysterious third party revealed to be controlled by the organization they seek to destroy or previously friendly character.
11) Massive convoluted, over-complicated, yet at the same time, down right STUPID plot twist that explains everything and deals out swift justice to villains.
12) The main character and secondary character go off and fuck like bunnies.
THE END. I’m serious, if you have read more than one of Dan Brown’s books, take a look and you will notice ALL THE FUCKING PLOTS ARE THE DAMN SAME. They’re not even that well written either. And despite this, Dan Brown is a millionaire and his books continue to sell like hardcore Asian lesbian schoolgirl sister porn.
The man is a fucking genius, he writes the same book every time and just replaces the conspiracy theory. You magnificent BASTARD Dan Brown.