I’m sure I’ve got some fan art to put up, but bugger me if I can remember what.

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been posting any u[pdates or anything for the past few weeks. I could lie and say it was due to me trying to finish my university work, working on my book, or me just being lazy, but that is not the case. You see a couple of weeks ago there was an explosion at a chemical factory in my home town BBC link here. This has had some very adverse effects on the town’s population which the government has tried to hide from the rest of the world, but they shall not silence me!

Basically, I am now a zombie.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “That’s preposterous Lothar! Zombies can’t type on a keyboard or use big words like preposterous. They just shuffle around, moan a lot, and eat people.” I will admit for the most part this is true. For the first few days of my zombification I roamed around a bit, moaned a lot, ate a couple of people and turned a few more into zombies. But luckily forme I soon discovered my old Nintendo DS, and a copy of Dr Kawashima’s Brain Training (or Brain Age as it is known in the US). After first trying to eat it and not liking the taste, I accidently opened it and turned it on to be greeted by the polygonal floating head of Dr. Kawashima. After taking the DS stylus out of my nasal cavity (my nose rotted away days ago) I was soon on my way to improving my rotting mind to its former living state. A few days with the game and I am now as intelligent as I was before my death!

Now let me tell you something, being a zombie is not as much fun as it seems. I like you once thought how much fun it would be to chase hapless survivors around a shopping mall while they brained my fellow zombies with baseball bats. Unfortunately the reality of the situation soon becomes apparent. For one Billingham doesn’t have a shopping mall, just a very small town centre with an Argos, Woolworths, ASDA, and a few other such things. Also, any hapless survivors can outrun me by walking at a steady pace. However they usually run away, so by the time any one actually sees me or my zombie posse, something that is bloody easy to do as most zombies have no idea what “stealth” means, they just run off before we can get within 50ft of them. Because of this I haven’t eaten for 3 days and it’s making me cranky. And it’s not like I can die of bloody starvation either!

The most annoying thing however is the fact people keep trying to shoot me. Look, I’m a zombie, I need human flesh to “survive”, and you’re all just cattle to me. How would you like it if a herd of sheep started blasting you with shotguns next time you tried to make them into mutton?

It’s not all bad though, I’m already dead so it’s not like I can catch any horrible diseases or die in an extreme sport accident. So right now I’m going to go bungee jumping. I just hope my arm doesn’t fall off like on last weeks parachute dive. Later!