I said ‘more timely’, not ‘on time’. That’ll have to do you for now, I have to go. Goin to Alton Towers. I’ll get it finished up when I get back. -Virus

Lothar:
Excrement shall soon be hitting the oscillating unit!

You ever just trawled MySpace and had a look at some of these HORRENDOUS pages, and laugh? I did. Recently I stumbled across a typical emo page. I’m not gonna link to it because the person obviously has some mental problems…well not really, they’d just like to think they do. You know the typical “I’m unloved and dead inside” thing, with black and white pictures of sad girls against doors, next to water and such. The type of person who probably cuts themselves to “feel alive,” a.k.a. get some attention and/or fit into the emo internet sub-culture that seems to turn up everywhere, especially on places like MySpace. You know, the type of person, who says they’ll kill themselves but never actually have the decency to do it?

And then I just had a brainstorm (if you think me using that term is un-pc, wait for the rest of the article). At first, I contemplated the possibility of a serial-killer who only kills emos. Technically it’s not murder, because you’re providing a public service! See, all these whiny bitchy attention whores who are still alive are obviously doing it wrong, so you’re helping them finally shuffle off the mortal coil. It’s also beneficial to the remainder of the public because they don’t have to listen to the constant whining for attention and sex…although how anyone thinks they’ll get sex by slashing their wrists is beyond me, unless a necrophiliac sexes their corpse.

But then I thought…why should this be a free? Theoretically you could hire yourself out as an Assisted Suicide Hitman. Hey, I ever created an acronym for it. A.S.H! I bet you would make a killing! (Sorry about the pun). Seriously, £10,000 a pop, you could easily take out a bank loan to pay it, it’s not like you’re gonna have to worry about paying it back right?

You know, I really hope nobody takes this seriously. Mainly because this is a COMEDY site, and if you take any of this shit that spews forth from my oral orifice seriously, you’ve either got no sense of humour, a less morbid sense of humour than my own, or you’re an idiot. But also because if anyone starts a business of this type, I’LL SUE YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF! (Also, strictly speaking it isn’t legal)