Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is fucking shite.

Dear. Fucking. God.

I liked the first Transformers movie, it was a good switch your brain off movie. This isn’t. Your brain will switch off but due to the sheer amount of audio and visual stimuli. And that’s not a compliment, the higher parts of your brain will simply shut off because they can’t handle the sheer inept nature of the awful movie. At the time of writing I can only think of one movie that I have seen that is worse, that being Mel Gibson’s “What Women Want.” And before any one accuses me of hating it because it’s not G1, I have a near complete collection of Transformers Animated toys. It’s just a terrible movie. I going for spoilers here, but honestly I want you to read this so you wont go see it. I’ll try and remember the correct order, but the plot cuts in and out that often I honestly can’t remember the specific order and I think if I try my brain will die.

The movie opens with humans and Autobots hunting for Decepticons in Bethlehem Steel, standing in for Shanghai China, where SHIT BLOWS UP when they find two of them disguised as vehicles (why the soldiers are shocked by this I have no idea). Then a very long chase scenes ensues with the giant shovel crane Transformers riding through Shanghai, causing millions in property damage and life insurance claims, before being killed by Prime somehow. During this chase a silver car transformer kills another silver car transformer by slicing it in half while three bike transformers follow it. The only way you know one of the silver car Transformers is the good guy is because he wins and doesn’t get shot by the military afterwards. Things blow up and get destroyed so quickly after each other it’s hard to follow until it ends. The rampage ends only after going across the city and killing several hundred civilians with thousands more witnessing it before it’s apparently covered up…HOW? They also say the massive fight in the city at the end of the first film was covered up, but never mention how. I honestly believe they didn’t say how because they couldn’t think of a way to do it! And neither can I, because how do you cover up giant fucking alien robots fighting in a major population centre? I know why, BECAUSE MICHAEL BAY WILLS IT! We also meet the Retarded Twin Transformers, who act like black people who act like white people who are trying to act like black people. One has a gold tooth.

Then we cut to Sam and his fucking annoying family. They’re crying because he’s leaving for college, when Sam finds a piece of the McGuffin 1 (AllSpark) from the last movie in his shirt, which causes all his house’s kitchen appliances to come to life and try to kill him. Then Bumblebee storms in destroys half the house along with the evil kitchen robots, and the police come…and nobody fucking noticed the fucking giant robot which is only slightly smaller than the house causing giant fucking explosions in the backyard. BECAUSE MICHAEL BAY WILLS IT!

Oh and there’s two instances where some dogs are having sex while this happens. BECAUSE MICAHEL BAY WILLS IT! Then Tits McGee (Mikaela) Sam’s girlfriend comes over after having a retarded conversation about breaking up with him before all the explosions happened, for a teary goodbye.

Then we get dragged to Generic College where Sam’s mum buys brownies with weed in and goes completely nuts, including assaulting someone to steal their frisbees. We meet Sam’s asshat room mate Fred Latino. I have no idea what his real name is so I’m calling him that. He’s a conspiracy nut who thinks Transformers are real and he thus becomes Sam’s Wacky Sidekick. Sam goes to a party where he gets jumped by Slutty McSlut, who wants to jump his bones because she’s a slut and he…has a stupid last name? Bumblebee then shows up and reminds Sam not to cheat because we have to have a stupid romantic sub-plot.

The soldiers from the opening scene bring back their dead, including one British soldier, while having a long camera shot pan down to a guy, in the US military, who has a British Flag on his shoulder. Through the rest of the movie he uses a not very convincing British accent to shout orders when lead soldier Captain Lennox and Tyrese Gibson are too busy being completely fucking useless.

Meanwhile Optimus Prime is arguing with Bureaucratic Twatface, who doesn’t like Transformers because they won’t give them their weapons technology, I think. Honestly I stopped paying attention by this point.

We cut back to college where Sam has a fit and starts seeing Transformers symbols in his head, calls Tits McGee, who gets attacked by a RC Car transformer, then shoves it in a box then gets on a plane to see him bring the robot with her. Gee I wonder if she’ll find Slutty McSlut trying to jump Sam again and get the wrong idea?

Then the Decepticon Soundwave tentacle rapes a satellite and finds where Sam and the other piece of the McGuffin that Prime took out of Megatron’s chest in the last movie are, and sends his kitty Transformer Ravage to steal it. He does this by vomiting into the bases, then his vomit comes alive and kills the soldiers. BECAUSE MICHAEL BAY WILLS IT. He and four other Decepticons, making a total of five, then sneak into the ocean (yes). And revive Megatron, by killing one of their own number because a tiny doctor Transformer tells them to so he can use the parts to rebuild him. Then a submarine sonar operator monitoring the site, says there are six targets coming out of the trench. OK, so 5 transformers go in, one gets killed, and six come out. Weird maths but I guess the tiny doctor…who wasn’t one screen when the other five went in, could be the sixth. I dunno, it made no sense at the time. But then, wouldn’t that mean six Transformers were identified by the submarine going in?

Anyway Optimus Prime tells Sam that he needs to tell Bureaucratic Twat to get off their back, Sam tells him to go fuck himself because he’s Optimus Fucking Prime and should be able to stand up for himself.

Megatron then goes to…somewhere, finds Starscream, beats him up a bit, and then goes and moans to his dad, The Fallen, who says he wants generic revenge against Optimus Prime.

Sam goes back to college where Slutty McSlut tries to rape him, while Tits McGee meets up with Fred Latino and they catch the act and Tits McGee hilariously gets the wrong idea! Then Sam tries to stop her when OMG SLUTTY MCSLUT IS A DECEPTICON RAPE ASSASSIN! Another massively destructive chase scene ensure where everyone in the college sees it but Sam, Tits and Fred manage to kill the thing and get captured by No Name Decepticon #1 who takes them to Megatron who wants to get at Sam’s juicy brain meats because all the information from the McGuffin is embedded in his head, so they need to get it out. Prime and co bust in rescue same and get chased from the middle of a city to…a forest in about two shots. Prime is alone and fights the Decepticons and gets killed. The Fallen then suddenly gets up and starts scheming. He announces to the world that the Transformers are real and demands Sam be brought to him or he’ll unleash Michael Bay’s explosions on the entire world.

Primes body is dumped back at base where Lennox, Tyrese, and British Guy are. His Transformers buddies are stopped by Bureaucratic Twat who decides the best way to fight the Decepticons is to lock the Autobots up. Because M16’s, tanks and helicopters have proven absolutely no use so far, so of course we can beat them on our own.

Sam, Bumbleebee, the Retard Twins, Tits and Fred are on the run, along with the RC Transformer from earlier, who Tits now treats like a pet dog. Fred serves his only purpose to the plot. He knows where to find someone who can help Sam figure out the symbols in his head and figure out what The Fallen is actually doing (presumably the script is in Cybertronian). They find Crazy Agent Simmons, from the first movie, who reveals that there are some really old Transformers on earth who might know what the symbols mean. The closest one is in the Smithsonian Museum in Washington, so they devise a clever scheme to distract the guards and get to him by having Fred Latino walk around with his trousers and boxers around his ankles and then tazer them. They find Jetfire who is an old British man who takes them to Egypt by Michael Bay favourite method of transportation…EXPLOSIONS. Why? BECAUSE MICHAEL BAY WILLS IT.

We then have them dicking around in the desert solving a stupid riddle, trying to find a device that the Fallen wants to blow up the sun, but needs another McGuffin to use. This McGuffin can also be used to resurrect Optimus, so they contact Here, they’re vaguely racist to Egyptians, coming across and Egyptian Napolean order guard who lets them cross because Simmons talks to him like a retard and because they’re American. While doing this, they contact Lennox and tell him to get his arse to Egypt and bring Prime with them because they can bring him back to life and he’s the only one who can kill the Fallen.

They find the McGuffin in a tomb which is built out of the corpses of The Fallen’s brothers (because it’s GrimDark) who were the previous Primes which Optimus is descended from. The McGuffin falls to dust.

This is where I give up making sense of the movie and want to get this review over with. They get the dust still thinking it can be used when EVERY FUCKING TRANSFORMER IN THE UNIVERSE CRASHES IN EGYPT while the military starts blowing up everything in sight. This battle lasts a good forty five minutes, if not longer, and never lets up and gets very old very fast. Also, apparently the giant crane robot from the beginning of the movie shows up, with his friends, one of which was killed to resurrect Megatron. And turn into a giant robot. Who does nothing but eat bricks, gets shot, and has a giant pair of wrecking balls on his crotch (even though none of the transformers who made him up turned into cranes with wrecking balls), just for the purpose of making a scrotum joke. BECAUSE MICHAEL BAY WILLS IT. One of the fights has Bumblebee fighting a Transformer with a giant spring for his legs.

Sam gets exploded, goes to Transformer Heaven, comes back, and resurrects Prime. Jetfire kills himself so Prime can use his corpse as body armour (GRIMDARK!). Prime then kicks seven shades of crap out of everyone, ripping off faces and ripping out spines (literally) then Autobots win, Megatron and Starscream retreat to go make their plans for the inevitable sequel and the movie ends with Prime and Sam looking into the distant like smug fucking arse wipes because they know everyone and their kids is going to see this fucking movie and they’re going to be richer than Scrooge McDuck if he discovered great tasting chocolate that actually makes you lose weight.

Honestly it’s a fucking terrible shambles of a film, don’t fucking bother. The plot is barely there and is used to vaguely tie together all the massive explosions and shooting in the desert. It should have been called CGI AND EXPLOSIONS 2: MCGUFFINS AND UNCLEAR MOTIVATION! Do not spend your money or your time on it. I honestly cannot convey with enough emotion with the amount of words in the English language how bad it is.