I have some fan art to post…but I frankly can’t be arsed right now, sorry Beverly, I will put it up eventually.

Right, I picked up Far Cry: Instincts last week, and it’s rather good…to a certain point. Anybody wishing to miss spoilers better stop reading, this is the only warning you’re getting, so don’t go down to the next paragraph.

So anyway, towards the end of the game, you come across what essentially, are zombies. Though not dead, they do what every fucking zombie in a game does, run at you and try to bite you (while also using guns).

I am sick to fucking death of having stupid arsed zombies in games. Seriously, take Halo for example. The Covenant are intelligent enemies who are intelligent, they adapt to you, there are many tyopes of them, they look great, and most of all are FUN to fight. Then we have the flood. Who do three things:

1) Run at you.
2) Shoot a gun and run at you.
3) Run at you and explode.

That’s BORING. The Covenant actually put up a decent fight, hide behind cover, try and outflank you, the Flood just charge and hope you die. It’s boring. I used to be scared by zombies (I saw one of George Romero’s films when I was about 7, stuck with me) but now the fucking things bore me. Half-Life, Halo, Wolfenstein (duh), Far Cry, Dark Watch, Zelda, Doom, Psi: Ops, Metroid Prime, TimeSplitters the list of games with boring zombies goes on. For fucks sake let’s look at how threatening zombies are:

1) While most zombies in games and some movies can run decently fast 9/10 you can outrun them. Fuck, you can out-WALK them! “Oh no, the zombies are gaining on us because we’re standing still, we better break into a stroll if we hope to live!”
2) They fall apart in a light breeze. In Far Cry for example, most zombies dcan be killed with 3 bullets from any gun. Yeah scary, most of the mercs take at least double that unless you go for a headshot. The only exception to this rule are the Flood, who seem to randomly be able to get up after a shotgun to the chest, but stay down after a second, and the ones from TimeSplitters who need a headshot. I stood on a spider recently and that took at least two stomps to make sure. A zombie would fall apart from the air my foot moved.
3) THEY ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME! OK, I know most enemies in games have similar templates, but at leass there’s a variation on the theme. In Far Cry for example, all the mercs have different outfits. In Half-Life there’s a good variety of enemies. The zombies in Far Cry all wear black shorts, and most of the ones in Half-Life wear labcoats, and in Half-Life 2 a few variants but still rather similar to each others. HIRE A GODDAMN TAILOR YOU UNDEAD FREAKS! YOU ALL DEAD, DON’T YOU ALL HAVE LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES YOU CAN CASH IN ON? BASTARDS!
4) Zombies make crap conversationalists. “Urgh, blargh, rargh, bleargh”…yeah. Try discussing philosophy with a zombie and they’ll most likely try and eat your leg.
5) I suppose the fact they’re trying to kill you is annoying in itself, but it’s pretty low on my priorities list.

So –please, game developers STOP THINKING THAT PUTTING ZOMBIES IN YOUR GAME ADDS DRAMA! I’VE KILLED MORE ZOMBIES THAT WERE IN ALL OF GEORGE ROMERO’S FILMS! ALL ZOMBIES SUCK!

Except Jesus, he’s cool. Rock on Jesus.