If you didn’t see this coming, you obviously haven’t been paying attention to our banner. Also, and for GOD’S SAKE LISTEN THIS TIME. The Chao’s name is NOT Humphrey. I’m sick of getting emails about it!

Spider-Man 2 was out in the UK today (Thursday 15th) and I was going to see it today, but my mate Will lost our fucking tickets that he won in a radio contest. So we’re going next week, possibly this Sunday. Anyway to keep my Spidey buzz going I got the Spider-Man 2 Xbox game, and this got me thinking. What if Peter Parker was bitten by something other a genetically modified/radioactive spider? Here are a couple of scenarios.

Dung Beetle-Man: After being bitten by a radioactive Dung Beetle, Peter Parker leads an exciting life of rolling car sized balls of dog shit around New York, and eating them. After doing it so well he land’s a job as New York’s chief of dog-shit disposal. He make’s millions of dollars working for the local government but leads a life of total loneliness. Seriously, the guy’s works around and eats shit everyday, you think any girl’s gonna wanna hang out with him? Unless they have an extremely creepy fetish and have a face like the back end of a donkey with haemorrhoids.

Preying Mantis-Man: This short dramatisation will explain this scenario.

Peter: I love you Mary Jane!
Mary Jane: I love you too Peter!
They then have sex, after which Peter eats Mary Jane. He adopts the name Hannibal Lecter and start’s devouring people’s livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Shetland Pony-Man: With the amazing power to be smaller than the average horse he enters all the animal shows, but doesn’t win any, because he’s a crap horse.

Pope-Man: After being bitten by a radioactive Pope. Peter discovers he has the power of the Pope. Which basically entails being very old, having trouble going up and down stairs, and having the weird urge to be driven around everywhere in a car with a bubble on the back for him to stand in and wave to people.

Before I go, our US navy fangirl Junichan is shipping out in the next two days and won’t be back for an undisclosed amount of time. So I’d just like everyone to wish her a safe voyage and to get back soon.

Also, Juni, if your passing the UK, would you see if you can blow up Maragret Thatchers house? As a personal favour to me?