NEW FAN ART! Which has been meaning to go up for MONTHS now. What can I say? I’m a lazy fuck.

First piece comes from Kevin Gibson, from the webcomic Over the Edge. Thanks Kev! I had a friend called Kevin once, annoying little shit he was. The second piece comes from my mate Drew, who did it as part of his Lecture Notes comic, which I’m pretty sure will die from me linking it since he hosts it on Graffiti.net which has about as much bandwidth as Jamie Oliver has functional brain cells (hint for the yanks, it’s not a lot).

As some of you may know I recently purchased a slimline PS2 for myself, since new Xbox releases have started to dry up, and I don’t want an Xbox 360 yet (PS3 doesn’t interest me and I’m not sure about he Revolution/GO/whatever the fuck they’re calling it now.)

So I picked up three games with it, then decided one was crap and got another one, so here’s my thoughts on those four games.

God of War: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IN A HANDBASKET! WHY DIDN’T I PLAY THIS BEFORE!? I got my PS2 last Wednesday and completed it in a week, but by Angelina Jolie’s huge deformed lips was it an enjoyable. It’s kind of like the opposite spectrum of the action/adventure genre from the likes of Prince of Persia, which was mainly about brilliant platforming with some crap combat thrown in. God of War, conversely, is about brilliant combat with some crap platforming sections in. I am mostly referring to the Hades level, where you can to walk along and climb up rotating beams/pillars with spikes on them. I spent half a fucking hour continually falling off those fucking spiked pillars. Is there a rule that every brilliant game have to have at least one shite level or something?

I particularly enjoyed the unique ways each enemy had to kill it; nothing says fun like ripping the head off a gorgon. If you own a PS2 and enjoy action/adventure games of the Devil May Cry variety (I don’t like DMC myself, but it’s the closest equivalent I can think of to God of War, though GoW is ten times better).

Transformers: I enjoyed this at first, but got really sick of it. I was never really fond of collect-em-ups type games to begin with, but the horrible controls just were not suited to the task at hand. That task being making a 20-30ft tall robot do Jak-esque platform hopping. I know it garnered many positive reviews, but I honestly couldn’t see what the fuss was about.

Killzone: Got rid of Transformers for this, and while it isn’t Halo, it’s pretty decent. The art direction, look, and sound can’t be faulted. It’s like they took World War 2, stuck it on another planet and gave everyone some bloody kick-arse guns.

Still the frame rate on it is absolutely atrocious; often dropping to levels which make it resembles a rather fast slideshow. The whole multiple character thing doesn’t add much to the experience either, since they all pretty much play the same anyway. And the A.I is just so…average, you think after all the hype the Helghast would do more than pop in and out of the same piece of cover every two seconds. Haven’t played it online yet as I’m waiting for my network access disc from Sony, but I’ll give it a whirl.

We Love Katamari: At first I wasn’t too sure about this as rolling up paperclips and balls wasn’t too much fun. However, the other night I finally unlocked the levels that let you roll up the bigger stuff, such as…PEOPLE. After that it just became a right good laugh.

Seriously though, how come nobody mentioned how evil this game is? After you’ve rolled a Katamari that contains small children, the King of the Cosmos turns it into a planet, stretching and destroying their precious organs, or he blows it up to create stardust, DESTORYING THE VERY FANS OF KATAMARI HE CLAIMS TO LOVE! THE MERCILESS BASTARD!

And then, there’s the dog. Who wants me to roll the Earth into other planets, and then the Sun. What the bloody hell happened to this dog that caused it to be so full of malice and hate that it wishes fiery nuclear death on us all? (Probably got left alone with a member of PETA)

You know, I was beginning to think I wasn’t pissing people off anymore, thank goodness I got an email from crackersmacker9@yahoo.com.

”Your Fuck Buddy

Lothar Hex looks at child porn.”

Apparently the other EN crew members got similar emails. I replied with this, admittedly not very original or witty email, though it did seem appropriate:

“Well well, looks like someone lost their favourite toy rattle.”

To which he replies:

“I AM VICTORIOUS!!

I know Lothar’s real name…”

Congratulations mate, you know my real name, you know, the one that’s been on the front page of the site for the last three years, and is on that interview we did for The Webcomic List last year.

So this guy’s “master plan”, if you will, was to find out my real name by making me reply to an email. This puts his intelligence somewhere up there with most 80′s cartoon villains. You know, the ones whose plans usually consisted of “lead heroes into cave, make rubble fall over cave mouth, go home” or my personal favourite “build a big gun with a range of about 100 metres on top of a hill, rule world.”

Now, I must confess I am perplexed as to why he wanted to know my real name. Perhaps it was the final words in a secret incantation to bring about the great God “Jimmy Destroyer of Hats” or perhaps he suspects the truth, that I am actually a pans-dimensional being from the future that spends his free time travelling and teleporting to various places around the world for my own amusement.

No, seriously, do a Google search for “Garry Webber” and see how many things come up; look I’ll show you what I’ve been up to.

1) http://www.valcoursailingclub.org/history/cruiserstoracers4.html:
I was part of the Valcour Sailing Clubs 1977 Cruise to Whitehall race, on my boat the Galadriel, which was named after my dog of the same name. I didn’t win because I kept giving orders in a pirate voice, forgetting I was the only one on board.

2) http://www.northlands.com/2005ServiceAwards.htm
I won a 35 year service award from Northlands Park. I don’t know what I was doing for those 35 years but it must have been good to win an award. Unless it was for 35 years of shitting in the woods because I couldn’t find a bloody toilet.

3) http://www.weberphoto.com/
In my spare time when I’m not crashing boats into rocks and defecating in public parks, I take wedding photographs. It’s quite fun, as you get a load of free food and booze and all you have to do is make sure you don’t get so drunk that you try to shag the brides mother, which is harder than you might think. Also, see how I cunningly (cunnigulus) took the 2nd “b” out of my last name to avoid suspicion!

4) http://www.fleetwatch.co.za/Tw2006/INTERNATIONAL/index.htm
I’m the Branch Manger of the Wadeville win of International Trucks. It’s not an especially exciting job, that is until we dress in leather, then drive our trucks across Australia in a vein attempt to recreate the “Mad Max” films. Commemorating a time when Mel Gibson wasn’t a complete and utter twat.

5) http://www.garywebber.co.uk/
I’m also a fully fledged lawyer! Again, note how I took the 2nd “r” out of my first name this time to avoid suspicion! My cunning plans are without equal! Mostly I give advice out to my clients and it’s usually along the lines of “You got caught committing burglary again? And you need some advice? Here’s some advice, STOP BREAKING INTO PEOPLE’S HOUSES YOU FUCKTARD!” Then I go out a punch a tree, just because.

I was also a pallbearer, a chef, and quite possibly, though I’m not too sure how this happened, a member of the Whale Trust. Well I’m actually a “friend” of the Whale Trust, but I don’t know how they figured that. You don’t eat tuna and suddenly you’re labelled a dolphin lover.

And after all that, I get this little nugget of wisdom.
“Not your first name. FUCK YOU GARRY WEBBER!!!!

who the hell spells “Gary” with two r’s? that’s just fucking retarted.”

Not my first name what? To answer your second question, do a Google search and you’ll see not many people spell “Gary” with two R’s, but many people do have the name “Garry”.

And he calls me retarded, I wonder if he knows what irony is? Though considering he also sent along a picture of Lothar dressed as girl, proclaiming that my girlfriend says that “queer is best” I have to say he definitely doesn’t know what irony is.