#090 – Brings New Meaning To Flipping Them Off

March 4th, 2005 | by Lothar

Bah dah dah dahdaaaaaah! They’re hating it!

Can somebody explain this to me? Basically it’s an article about a 14 year old kid stabbing a pizza shop worker over not getting a pizza for £1 an hour after the offer ended. And is claiming he did it in self-defence.

Does anybody speak lawyer-ese out there who can explain that to me? How the hell will somebody be able to stand up in court and say with a straight face “this 14 year old psycho nut job chav stabbed an innocent bloke in self defence”?

Judge: What the fuck was he defending against?
Lawyer: The pizza guy was threatening his life your honour.
Judge: How exactly?
Lawyer: See, he was stopping the defendant from acquiring pizza. Pizza is food, we humans need food to live. Thereby the pizza guy was threatening my client’s life by denying access to the food.
Judge: Are you high?
Lawyer: Quite possibly Mrs Flintstone.

Actually it kind of reminds me of the whole “Weapons of Mass Destruction” fiasco in Iraq. You know, where Bush and Blair said that Saddam had them, and it’s been like what? Two years and we’ve found fuck all? And then they said “yeah we MAY have lied about that”. I swear if it was any other president they would have gotten impeached by now because of that. I mean Nixon got thrown out because he bugged some offices, Bush lies about his reasons for going to Iraq, gets hundreds of US and British troops killed and he gets re-elected. When the fuck did we all move to crazy world? Probably after 9/11, because the world is so fucking paranoid we’ll let any idiot tell us what to do as long as he panders to our fears. Maybe it’s because Bush is from Texas, and ergo a cowboy. People must think “Hey the Lone Ranger was a cowboy and he saved people, lets vote for Bush!” I wonder if Clinton had kept his dick in his trousers this whole thing could have been avoided or better yet, solved in a way that didn’t involve lying out of his arse. Oh wait, every single politician does that anyway! They’re all fucking lying sacks of crap!

You know what? Anarchism keeps looking better and better.

And you know what else? Fuck this rant, it’s gone totally off topic and I can’t even remember what my point was going to be, all I know is that I’m flipping a coin between the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats in this years election, cos like FUCK am I voting for Tony Blair’s Labour Party. Goodnight.

Lothar

#089 – Pardon Me, But I Have Minds To Break, And Values To Distort…

March 1st, 2005 | by Eastwood

The British Public Suck

It’s true. But not the standard reasons that we often bring up, oh no. Whilst the vast majority of the British people have gods-awful taste in music, television, newspapers, politicians (OMG TEH POLTICAL!!!11), films and food, you’d think there was one bastion of hope safe from the rampant idiocy that sweeps this green and sacred land.

Yeah. That’s right. Cartoons.

If you’ve access to British television, you’d notice that Channel 4 have been running a variety of “Top 100” shows over the past few months, quite probably because they’ve run out of Friends episodes and they refuse to show anything decent (Not that Friends was, anyway). So, as all things do, it rolled around to cartoons. And me being me, I watched it if only to see where Transformers would rank and if The Simpsons would actually win or if mankind had come to it’s collective senses and realise it stopped being funny four years ago.

Since there were 100 entries I’m not going to catalogue each and every entry and make hilarious comments about each. Mostly because no-one would read all of it and frankly I’d rather be playing World of Warcraft. Well, that, and a number of these are so obscure or just plain crap that to derive humour from them via mockery would be an exercise in futility.

Before I begin, no. Anime did get mentions, and whilst some did deserve it, a few certainly didn’t. You won’t find your Shitty Generic Dragon Moon X Hyper Spoon Guard Annoyingphrasesincrazymoonlanguage here. And good, because kids, I’ll make this clear. Just because something comes out of Japan doesn’t make it good. So please stop jacking off over maps of Nippon and at least try and appreciate that Western animation can equal and surpass whatever Japan throws out. This being said, it can also reach depths that the Japanese can never hope to reach, as evidenced by some the choicer examples I’ve decided to mock.

#95 Charley Says…
Public service messages with animation that makes South Park look classy, about some six-year old pillock who relies on a cat, called Charley, for moral guidance. Like not going with strangers to look at puppies, and not using matches to burn Mother into a firey inferno of pain and agony. What did make me laugh is that they’re still public service messages, so voting for this is akin to voting a New Labour party political broadcast as best comedy sketch (OMG TEH POLTICIAL!!!11).

#72 Legend of the Overfiend
Right. Let me get this straight from the outset I don’t hate anime, I don’t hate hentai, I don’t hate violence and I don’t hate titties. I don’t hate a combination of any of the above. But Jesus H. Christ, this isn’t entertainment. This is hentai. Hentai is wanking material. What kind of mind puts wanking material in the same league as, say, Watership Down or The Adventures of Tintin? Not the kind of mind I wish to have to converse with at parties. Not that I get invited to parties. But to be frank, I doubt anyone who voted for this does either.
The basic outline is that there are demons that come to Earth to start apocalypse. People die, demons cause havoc, young nubile girls are raped by tentacle-daemons, and giant penises the size of thermonuclear missiles burst through floors and absorb people. Throw in some shaky animation, excessive gore and titties and we have The Legend of the Overfiend. I mean, come on, the only reason it has any kind of standing at all in British society is the big hoo-hah over it being a cartoon with ultra-violence and knockers leading to it being banned for a period of time, then being only released after heavy editing. The fact is has cult status is simply because it’s incredibly unpleasant and just a terrible piece of animation. That, and there are better hentai films out there. They also don’t class themselves as anything other than wanking material.

#56 Fritz The Cat
70’s piece of British animation. Gist of it is you have this cat who shags furry chicks, and engages in the use of narcotics. That’s it. Since this was the 70’s, huge decency uproar and it was banned. This goes on to create a mythical cult following, like Legend of the Overfiend. Except, like Legend of the Overfiend, it’s utter crap. These two kinda show what censorship can do.

#52 2D TV
I don’t like 2DTV. I think it’s overrated garbage that is far outdone by Dead Ringers, because whilst Dead Ringers has amusing running gags and a production value, 2DTV looks like it’s made in Flash and takes the same old tired gags and plays them over and over again. Bush is dumb (OMG TE- Eh, forget about it). Blair is Bushes dog. Victoria Beckham is a cow. David Beckham is stupid. Repeat until YOU FAIL TO CARE ANYMORE.

#45 Pokemon
How? I mean, come on. It was shite. It was a very poorly made vehicle for an ungodly wave of merchandise put out by Nintendo to cover the fact the N64 was a cock-up. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t memorable. It’s finally dead, so can we please dump it over the Cliffs of Dover already?

#40 Rugrats
One of the K-List Celebrities they roped into making “hilarious” commentary between the segments claimed it was like “the Simpsons for the younger generation”. I think by that they meant it was ungodsly awful, a pain to watch and should have been put down years ago. I hope they did, as at least the Simpsons had a period when it wasn’t crap.

#37 Transformers
I love Transformers. Cut me and I’ll bleed energon (Actually, I won’t, so put down the knife). My shelf is inhabited by Transformer action figures that ousted my Great Cthulhu plushie. I have practically every comic Dreamwave published. But I’ll tell you this, the G1 cartoon was crap. It’s crap enough to be amusing and to poke humour from, but as animation goes, it was a glorified toy advert with some of the most inane plots crafted by Saturday morning cartoon writers.
It still did better than Thundercats, so that’s good. Because Thundercats was teh suck.

#34 He-Man and The Masters of the Universe
Same thing as Transformers, but oozing homosexual innuendo. I’ve nothing against homosexuality, but seeing burly blonde men who wear pink strip off into leather and wrestle other burly men isn’t something I want to do when I’m six and eating my Frosties, waiting for Transformers or DarkWing Duck (Which never ranked, sadly) to come on. That and the toys were crap.

#29 Dungeons and Dragons
I’m a geek. I have geek pride. I have a stack of roleplaying books (Various D20 Modern supplements, and GURPS if you care). But this still makes me cringe. It had the production value every other 80’s cartoon had (Which was the contents of my wallet – 27p in coppers and a college bus pass), but lacked any toyline to promote. I also recall it being incredibly strange, even by my standards today. The fact that this, which barely anyone remembers, ranks higher than Daffy Duck, Inspector Gadget and Transformers does make weep for nostalgia in this fine nation.

#9 The Incredibles
I liked the film. Really, I did. I just don’t think it’s a bloody classic. Give it time and I may change my mind, but it’s not even out on DVD yet. To say it’s better than MICKEY-FUCKING-MOUSE, Godfather of Cartoons, is just a bit… odd, in my opinion.

#4 Toy Story

I don’t like Toy Story. The films are carbon copies in terms of plot, the gags are craptacular, and I really can’t be bothered to finish this sentence in a meaningful way. I never saw the appeal when I was 12 and I still don’t now.

#1 The Simpsons
Yeah, who’s surprised? Yawn-yawn, British public ride on hype and fail to realise that the good episodes we see were made around four years ago and since Channel Four only just started showing them (If you lack Sky) because BBC2 was more concerned with Bowls, Snooker, Darts or other sports that aren’t really sports but just fat men in silly outfits.
The Simpsons is no longer funny simply because it’s too popular, a trap that Monty Python fell into. Get and group of geeks together and before long they’ll be quoting Python, and the great clichés of The Spanish Inquisition, The Dead Parrot, The Ministry for Silly Walks, the Quest for the Holy Grail and the Life of Brian shall be mentioned. This has led to Python no longer being amusing to me, simply because every bugger has quoted it to death.
The Simpsons is overquoted, maybe because it was a parody of Western society. Now it has become firmly entrenched into Western society, everyone quotes it, everyone mentions it, everyone buys the crap and whatever edge it had has been dulled to allow Fox executives to bleed the stone for even longer when they could focus on other shows that are actually still amusing, like Family Guy or Futurama. But that would be silly, when every pleb still watches this show, that whilst once brilliant, has fallen so far from grace it couldn’t see grace on a clear day with a telescope. And these plebs will buy the merchandise and say how great it is, and ask why our own shows can’t compare. Then I stab them and laugh with sadistic glee.

So, simply put? The British public are morons. Morons because classics like The Tick didn’t get a place when crap like Willo the Wisp and Bod ranked respectably. Though I must commend them on not succumbing to this anime obsession afflicting the great unwashed internet masses.

Still, I suppose I’m done. If you’re tempted to gaze upon the sheer insanity of man, click here to view the entire list.

Though to be honest I doubt without these shows Jimmy Carr would even have a job.

- Eastwood, wondering how The Tick never got a mention.

Eastwood

#088 – Better Than Expected

February 25th, 2005 | by Lothar

If you saw this coming, it’s not really that impressive.

New fan art today, and to be honest I think it’s one of the BEST pieces we’ve ever gotten, the entire EN crew looking very film noir. Thanks Jen/Dragon Torn.

Today’s rant will probably piss a few people off, no changes there then. Go read this article. It’s basically says that the vegan lifestyle can be bad for kids during the first few years of their life, as the animal by-products have various nutrients that young kids need. If you don’t know what the vegan lifestyle is, it’s basically extreme vegetarianism. Vegetarians don’t eat meet for various reason, vegans don’t consume ANYTHING that comes from an animal. Milk, butter, gelatine (made from cows feet and used in quite a few products) and so on. All of these are forbidden if you are a vegan. So the research mentioned in that article basically says that for a short time people NEED to eat food like that, but of course they have to go on and on and on about how eating anything from animals is cruel and blah blah blah.

I mean fair enough they don’t want to eat meat, one of my old mates Ben didn’t either, just because he though meat in itself was disgusting, not that he thought it was cruel. But Jesus, will you STOP TRYING TO RAM YOUR GOD DAMN IDEALS DOWN MY THROAT? I LIKE EATING MEAT AND NO FUCKING PREACHY BASTARDS ARE GOING TO CHANGE THAT. I mean for God’s sake if we have to accept your choice, you could fucking accept ours you hypocritical wankers. I always thought the argument against killing animals for food because it is cruel was flawed anyway. Let’s face it, in the wild, cows, sheep, pigs and what have you would all be eaten anyway. I don’t see any vegans out there trying to convince the wolves and whatever that eating other animals is bad. Oh wait that’s OK because it’s natural for animals to eat each other you say? Well, if you had forgotten, human are animals as well. Though the (debatably) most intelligent species of animal there is, we’re still animals. And what’s crueller? Living on a farm and getting fed until you one day get lead to predators until you are absolutely exhausted, collapse and then feel them eating you while you’re still alive? I know which one I’d rather choose. That said, if we get into the subject of battery farms, I’ll agree with you on that. Battery farms are not nice places. And if anyone emails me asking me what a battery farm is, WATCH/LISTEN/READ THE FUCKING NEWS ONCE IN A WHILE!

Anyway, back to the article, at the end of it Paul McCartney (the Beatle, and like fuck am I calling him “Sir Paul”) started whinging about how his vegetarian lifestyle hasn’t had any adverse affect on his children. However, the scientific research was about vegans, NOT vegetarians you senile old bastard. You really do have to question someone’s mental capacity when he can’t tell the difference between the words vegetarian and vegan. I hate the way that when a Beatle says anything, people act like God him/her/itself said it. ¬.¬.

And while I’m at it, I know this is an extremely old argument and everybody has said it before, but really. People who say they are vegetarians “except for fish and chicken”. That just annoys me, seafood (fish) and poultry (poultry) are two types of meat, and vegetarians don’t eat meat. Therefore if you eat chicken or fish, you are NOT a vegetarian. You’re hypocritical and blissfully ignorant of the irony of the statement. If anybody says this to you dear reader, I suggest you smack them over the head with the largest blunt object you can find at the time. And then explain that they’re just being fuckwits by saying that, if they’re still conscious and/or alive of course. If they’re not, well that’s one less arsehole to deal with. See you Monday!

Lothar

Captain Planet

February 22nd, 2005 | by Lothar

Two new bits of fan art. The first is of Blasphemy by Kiritora. The second is probably the most realistic/wrong picture of Lothar ever by Anna “Bob Todd” Williams. If you haven’t noticed, the bionics are the wrong way round, but it’s still very cool.

On Friday I made a passing reference to one of the stupidest cartoons to ever regurgitate out of the early 1990’s.


*half the audience groans*

Now for those of you either not old enough to remember it, Captain Planet was about these 5 kids from different parts of the world who were given five powerful rings containing the elements of the world, plus another one, by the spirit of the Earth “Gaia” (Mother Nature) who went around fighting villains who polluted the planet, poached animals, or committed any other ecology related crime. When they got up to their necks in shit (which was all the damn time), they would combine the powers of their rings and create a superhero who looked almost as homosexual as He-Man (watch the old 80’s version and try and tell me it’s not full of gay subtext, it’s impossible!), who was basically Superman but could be weakened by second hand smoke.

Basically it was THE most politically correct cartoon show ever created. You know at the end of some cartoons they try to preach morals or educate you? Well imagine a full thirty minutes of that and you get an idea of what Captain Planet was like. The kids all came from different parts of the world. There was the black kid/leader from Africa who had the power of “earth” which meant he could make earthquakes and control everything ground based. “Wheeler” who was American, stupid, and always in trouble with the law. An obvious candidate for the most destructive power, fire. Minka/Linka/Inka/Pinka/Whatever, who was from “Eastern Europe” (read: Russia) and could control “wind” and was the butt of many a fart joke. Some Chinese girl who I can’t remember the name of who got the power of “water” because she was a marine biologist and probably fucked dolphins or something. And finally, some South American kid with a monkey who got absolutely stiffed when it came to powers, he got the power of “heart”. This allowed him to feel the “heart” and pain of anything. Animals, people, trees whatever. Hell I think he felt the pain of a ROCK in one episode. Oh and it also let him communicate telepathically with his friends, which was useful since he got captured every two episodes.

Add to this the fact that the villains they faced were either scientists bent on polluting the world for no reason, mutants bent on polluting/destroying the world for no reason, and business men (CAPITALISM BAD!). With names like “Looten Plunder”, geddit? “Loot and plunder”, god those script writers were a witty bunch weren’t they? One of the other villains was called, I shit thee not, “Duke Nukem”. Who was basically a big yellow bloke in a Hawaiian shirt that was radioactive. Not the muscular testosterone fuelled manly-man who fought space pigs who we all love.

Now I want to know something, why did Gaia decide that she need 5 moronic kids to police the world for crimes against Earth when EVERY DAMN EPISODE they called Captain Planet who solved the problem in like 5 minutes? Why didn’t she just make Captain Planet and have him go out and kick the shit out of everything. Probably cos they wouldn’t be able to drag the plot out for half an hour actually. Another advantage would be that she could have sex with someone without being arrested for paedophilia Although I dunno if human laws actually have any legal power over the personification over an abstract pagan god who wears bedsheets and sandals.

Also, two of the ring users worry me. Wheeler rushed into situations blindy, was constantly in trouble with the law, and then tried to beat up a bloke who had a gun the size of a small family car. And was quite frankly about as intelligent as a cornflake. Is that the person who should be walking around with a ring that lets him set ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on fire? That’d be like letting a mental patient into a room full of orphans with an Uzi. Sure the IDEA is that after he shoots the first 2 or 3 dead he’ll learn thegun is actually quite dangerous and he shouldn’t play with it, but in actuality he’s gonna keep going until he runs of ammo or orphans.

The second one that worries me is the South American kid. Why? Because sooner or later he’s gonna realise he got absolutely scrwed when it came to powers he’s gonna go into a massive homicidal rage and slaughter everyone. Everyone else gets rings that do something cool like set fir to things, create floods, tornados, or earthquakes. He gets the power to feel everyone’s pain and read animals minds. Oh sure, being able to hear what animals think may be cool for a while and might help solve some mysteries of the animal kingdom. But after a while it’d get pretty dull hearing a Aardvark’s thoughts. “Ants are food, must find more ants, then have a shit. Sleep and repeat.” In the show he was also the youngest, so while everyone else was off fucking each other, all he could do was listen to their thoughts as Kwame imagined that the Russia bitch was Wonder Woman or something.

I also question the villains plans. Not their evilness, hey putting oil into the sea just for the hell of it is pretty evil, but whats the point? Its probably costing you millions a day to do that and considering none of your crimes are for anything you could actually make money from (except the poachers) I gotta wonder what you’re going to do when your money runs out. Here’s a better idea, use your damn technology to stealoil and hold it for ransom or something! Sure James Bond will probably come along and blow you up, but at least you won’t have to deal with a pyromaniac, a communist, a gardener, a future bukakae star, a future homicidal lunatic and a super powered being who’s blue and may possibly want to hump you leg.

One time the villains got together and made evil versions of the Planeteers rings and madfe an evil Captain Planet, named Captain Pollution, who was exactly the same as Captain Planet, but orange and evil. The theory behind this was that because Captain Planet can be weakend by pollution a guy made of pollution would kill him, aastoundingly this didn’t work. Plus I think Pollution tried to cover up his homosexuality by being overly destructive and macho. Look, Pollution, if you’re gay, fine, just be comftable with it. Hell Captain Planet is and he regulary kicks your arse.

Before I go, heres something I want to share with you:

TheWorldZyuRz88: yo british wank
Lothar: Excuse me?
TheWorldZyuRz88: you heard me<
Lothar: Oh boy
TheWorldZyuRz88: softy
Lothar: A retarded monkey learned how to use a typewriter
Lothar: What the fuck do you want?
TheWorldZyuRz88: so did oyur mother but she also learned how to knock my cock
Lothar: Is there a point to this or should I just block you now and save myself some time?
TheWorldZyuRz88: iam jsut playing
Lothar: No, your being a rude offensive little shit with the I.Q of a dead eels arsehole
TheWorldZyuRz88: t
TheWorldZyuRz88: o seriously wahts your iq?
Lothar: So fuck off and go masturbate to some horse porn or something
Lothar: *block*
TheWorldZyuRz88: no thats you fucker

And this is one of the many reaons why I’m taking my AIM contact info OFF the site. I am fucking sick of retarded little shits contacing me with this crap. So go bother someone with a similar I.Q. (I recommend a goldfish) and go bitch about my rants to somebody who gives a flying fuck.

Lothar

Who watches this crap?

February 18th, 2005 | by Virus

And speaking of stupid cartoon shows (see that? That’s a called a segue. Seamless, wasn’t it? You wouldn’t believe this is improv), I gotta ask. Who in the names of the gods watches ‘The Cramp Twins’? I asked myself this question back when Cartoon Network was advertising new episodes (using a Green Day song in the adverts, the heathen bastards) – clearly somebody had to watch it, to get ratings, so as not to get canned. And I ask it again now, when they have ‘Cramp Twins Week’. Seriously, who? This cartoon is absolutely unbearably bad. I can name not one single redeeming feature. Animation and design style – horrible. Storylines – boring. Comedy – nil. Action – nil. Characters – and this is the kicker – not a single likeable character. At all. It’s actually quite amazing. It’s like they’ve deliberately crafted each and every character to remove any trace of appeal that might exist. The one you’re supposed to most identify with is a whiny, snobby, self-centered, Greenpeace extremist. The rival fails to be someone you ‘love to hate’, fails to be funny because of stupidity (in the way Homer Simpson is, for example), and instead comes off as every ignorant, hateful, bullying cretin you’ve ever met. One parent is an obsessive-compulsive clean-freak (and that’s the only dimension to her character). The other is a meek and inconsequential fool. Supporting cast – All. Suck.

I just don’t get this show on any level. Is it supposed to make me laugh? Is it supposed to make me cry? Is it supposed to make me gouge my brain out through my eye socket with a fork?

I’m usually quite tolerant of cartoon shows. Spongebob Square Pants annoys me, but it still raises a laugh, and I can at least see why other people might like it. I used to hate Ed, Edd and Eddie, but, while Eddie still bugs the crap out of me, I can actually sorta watch this show now. Those are shows that, if I’m in the room and my brother has possession of the remote, I can at least tolerate. But Cramp Twins? Just… Just no. Watching it causes my face to involunatrily screw up in distaste. As though staring at a rotting, maggoty animal carcass rather than a TV screen.

So who in hell watches this shit? An even more puzzling question, who in the hell writes, storyboards, and keyframes this shit? Logic dictates that a number of humans must take part in these tasks. What’s wrong with them? Are they masochistically punishing themselves? Can’t they think of better ways to hurt themselves, ways that don’t inflict their misery on us, the audience? Are they trying to further the decline of western animation, forcing networks to import more and more poorly dubbed and massively edited anime? Are they evil men who simply hate children and possibly eat babies? The inbetweeners are excused, because they work for peanuts in Korea or somewhere. Bloody outsourcing.

Somebody cancel this godsforsaken show. The fact that excrement like this continues to be made, while Invader Zim got axed halfway through the second season galls me.

Virus

#087 – Porcelain Shrapnel For The Win

February 18th, 2005 | by Lothar

Random acts of destruction 1, school property 0.

2 new bits of fan art this week, both by Halo Master117 (I have a sneaking suspicion he likes Duke Nukem.) Eastwood and Virus, thanks mate.

So I’m sitting here thinking about what to do my rant on for this week, when the very pink Ame of tlwelker.com post’s this link on her live journal. If you can’t be arsed to read the article, it’s basically about a guy who wants to get the HIV Virus (the one that causes AIDS). Why? Because it TURNS HIM ON.

Although that doesn’t top necrophilia (FUCKING THE DEAD) on the “weird fetish-o-meter” it’s certainly up there in the top 20, maybe around the same area as furries and bestiality, oh wait that’s the same thing. (Before I get any email from the “oppressed” furry community, it was a joke you wacky people you).

So anyway, I am sure there are better things to do with your time than decide you want to a catch a virus that can lead to a fatal disease. Seriously, how fucked up is this guys brain? And how the HELL did he discover that HIV gives him fucking erections?

John Q. Fuckwit’s Mum: Son, I have some bad news.
John Q. Fuckwit: What is it mommy? Did Daddy get arrested for snorting coke off a dead hooker’s arse again?
Mum: No…well yes but there’s something else. I have AIDS.
John: …
Mum: Are you OK honey?
John: *FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP CUM*
Mum: …..

3 minutes later, John’s Mum committed suicide by eating her own head.

And how the hell do you advertise this? In the article the guy says that he doesn’t want people outside the circle of “bug-chasers” to know. So how the fuck is he gonna fulfil his “erotic moment”? Put an ad in the fucking paper?

“Desperate Fuckwit: I am seeking a man or woman with HIV. I don’t care if you’re the ugliest fucker ever to walk the planet, just let me fuck you so I can get your fatal disease! Call 555-I-masturbate-hourly”

At one point in the article the guy says that after he gets HIV he can fuck whoever he wants, be free and not worry. I’d fucking worry mate, I’d fucking worry that you’ll pass on the disease to some poor bugger and you’ll be killed by them or their family because you’re an inconsiderate fuckwit with all the common sense of your average curtain.

One thing about the article in general it does make the issue of the HIV virus look like more of a “gay” disease than anything else. Despite what some American states might think (looks towards the south), HIV is not a gay only virus, and is actually suffered just about 50/50 by men and women worldwide. Which is fucking shite really isn’t it? While I’m at it you can’t get HIV from touching somebody who has it either. GO TO SCHOOL AND YOU WOULD LEARN THIS SHIT!

And while we’re talking about learning, does anybody remember the cartoon show “Captain Planet”. It was incredibly stupid wasn’t it? But that’s a rant for another time. See you on Tuesday.

Lothar

#086 – Obscure Languages For A Young Mind Warping Good Time

February 15th, 2005 | by Lothar

What’s worse? Filling young children’s minds with swear words, or beating the crap out of them? Discuss.

So the Nintendo DS is coming out in the UK soon, and since I work part time in a game shop, we’ve got a demo one to show the punters and play on. We got the Metroid Prime Hunters demo and the full game of Mario 64 DS to play on it. After playing the DS it hasn’t impressed me really. It’s a nice piece of kit and something new, but the games do not impress me that much. I actually spent more time playing the mini-games on Mario 64 DS than I did the main game, before I got bored of those.

In the past I’ve mentioned I’m not as fond of Nintendo as I am of Microsoft. But they’re still better than Sony and god damn it if every once in a while a game comes out on cube that impresses me(speaking of which, anybody have a release date for StarFox Assault in the UK? One that doesn’t come from Amazon). However those games come out 6 months (average, it can be up to 3 years) after it did in the US, Nintendo, STOP TREATING EUROPE LIKE A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND YOU MAY SHIFT SOME MORE CUBES. Personally I believe Nintendo’s strength is in their handheld sector, not their home consoles. But that aside, you know my biggest problem with Nintendo? Their fanboys.

And yes, this is going to be one hell of a generalisation, but it’s mostly true from the experiences I have.

Sony fanboys will try and convince you how cool they are while swearing at you, Xbox fanboys will spout drivel about their hardware being superior (in fairness it’s more powerful and probably the best value for money out of the 3) while swearing at you. PC fanboys will piss on everybody while talking in l33t. However, the Nintendo fanboys will do all that, proclaim all other gaming platforms to be crap, gay, and then start telling you how great the newest Metroid game is compared to Halo, Half-Life, Doom and anything else that even smells of first person shooter. And if you even dare say a bad thing against Nintendo, they’ll make high pitched squealing noises and start calling you stupid, gay, and any other insults that require less than four syllables. All the while, you guess it, swearing at you.

Let start with one argument the Nintendo fanboys use constantly. Nintendo are the most innovative of the 3 console makers. Sorry but that’s not strictly true, while the likes of the Nintendo DS and the Donkey Kong bongos are something quite unique. However, how many fucking sequels and spin-offs are there Mario, Zelda, Pokemon, Metroid, and Kirby games? And those were just the ones off the top of my head. Plus Sony and Microsoft have their own innovations. For Xbox, it’s got to be the sheer ease of use and general good quality of their consoles online service. For PS2? EyeToy and that GameTrak thing. Plus lets not forget that innovation doesn’t automatically mean something is good (again GameTrak). Does anybody remember the ill-fated VirtuaBoy, the E-Reader, GBA-GC connectivity which amounted to pretty much bugger all aside from using the GBA as another controller or unlocking daft extras? Or do we tend to ignore the fact that Nintendo can fuck up sometimes as well?

One thing I’m also sick of hearing is that Metroid Prime is a first person shooter. Do yourself a favour and play some of the original or GBA Metroid games. Were those shooters? No they were Platform/Adventure games. Now, play Metroid Prime. Notice something? It’s the same thing BUT viewed from a first person perspective. I will admit there’s a lot of shooting in Metroid Prime, but it’s hardly the main portion of the game. Making something viewed from the first person does not make it a shooting game.

You want an example of extreme Nintendo fanboyism? There was this poster on the Gamestyle forums called Paladin the Wanderer. His posts were always small essays and he used to raise some good points, but he absolutely REFUSED to admit Nintendo had failings. Hey, I like the Xbox but even I can see it fucked up once in a while. He also claimed this. Nintendo created the EyeToy and sold it to Sony. Now he said he had proof and that we could easily find it if we did a Google search. However, he refused to give evidence of this proof despite saying it was well documented. And when various searches by about 6 other forum members (including myself) turned up nothing, he just said we weren’t looking in the right places. I think he got banned eventually because everyone just got sick of his utter bullshit.

I think that’s about it from me now. I would type more put this post is long enough already. I also don’t want the decent Nintendo fans to feel picked on. If the Sony, Xbox (this one is the least likely), PC or whatever fans piss me off enough, they’ll get their turn.. But to everyone, enjoys the games you like, JUST FUCKING LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT PEOPLE LIKE DIFFERENT GAMES FROM YOU. Yes, debate, but as soon as the debate turns into a insult match, just shut the fuck up and go masturbate or something OK?

Any email from angry Nintendo fanboys will be ignored, deleted and blocked, or your email address will be put up here so people can mock you. So don’t fucking bother alright?

Lothar

#085 – A Master Of Disguise

February 11th, 2005 | by Lothar

Yes, a master of stealth.

So apparently Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are finally getting married. My reaction to this ?

“Why the bloody hell is this all over the damn news?!”

See, I was at home ill today with a cold and for two hours I was flicking through the channels and a BBC 1 and ITV 1 spent 2 hours with special news reports. I actually first heard when I was watching “The Wright Stuff” a quasi-political debate show which can be quite entertaining, but they stopped doing their original topic and decided to debate whether Charles getting married was a good idea.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Why are you debating whether this is a good idea or not? Hell they spent 5 minutes live during a Parliament Session where the head of the House of Commons said something that amounted to “Good luck to em” before getting on with his damn job of announcing some new legislation, which we cut away from because we all know nobody gives a shit about politics really, do we? Bloody anal minded testicular crab infested idiots running the news corporations I tell you.

If Charles and Camilla want to get married good for them. So what? They’re two (incredibly ugly) “sensible” adults, they can do whatever the hell they want? Why do I need to know about it? What is this going to change really? And why in the name of Rolf Harris’s ghost (wait, he’s not dead yet, bugger) should I give a shit? Camilla will most likely never be called the Princess of Wales, because that would be oh-so insensitive to Diana’s memory. CAN WE STOP MOANING ABOUT DIANA’S DEATH PLEASE? SHE’S DEAD, DEAL WITH IT! Yes it was a tragedy and suspicious but Jesus, people have mourned for their spouses for less time than people have mourned Diana’s. She died 8 fucking years ago, do you think we can finally let her rest? Oh wait, CHARLES IS RE-MARRYING! Lets dig up that corpse again shall we?

And Camilla won’t be “Queen Camilla” either just like how the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip (Queen’s husband) is not called the King. And to be honest, does anybody in the UK even give two shits about the monarchy any more? THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING. They have no political power what-so-ever, as I have ranted before, the only thing the Queen does is sign a bit of paper when a new law is passed, and if she didn’t do that the Government would dissolve the monarchy. So she does it so she can keep her cushy job where we pay her to do FUCK ALL.

That’d be funny though, monarchy being dissolved and the Royal Family all having to get jobs:

Clerk: How may I help you Ma’am?
Queen: One wishes to seek employment so one can feed ones stupid amounts of Corgis.
Clerk: Right. Can you say “Do you want fries with that?”
Queen: Does one want fries with that?
Clerk: Meh, close enough, sign this. Congratulations, you’re now McDonald’s newest employee!
Queen: Spiffing.

The Next Day:

Lothar: Hey didn’t you use to be the Queen?
Queen: Yes, one did.
Lothar: Moving up in the world.
Queen: One does not appreciate sarcasm.
Lothar: Well one doesn’t appreciate the British public’s hard earned money being used to pay your wages for the last 50 odd years. Welcome to karmic retribution. Population, you!

Then I’d throw acid in her eyes, and laugh. See you Monday, and keep voting.

Lothar

So, who would be interested in a cameo in EN?

February 8th, 2005 | by Silversword

I’m running a little contest, and the prize is exactly that. Unless you’ve only got Echidna-based characters or would just rather have a random picture from me.
Information is available here, at my deviantart gallery (people there have had a head start, too). Deadline is the 26th. Plenty of time left, right?
There’s just one catch. What you’ll be drawing has absolutely nothing to do with EN. Unless you count that Silv’ cameo. ;)

Silversword

#084 – Live Demonstrations Are Always Fun

February 8th, 2005 | by Lothar

Well, he’s right, nobody likes whiners.

Before I start, I would just like to say that Junichan, EN’s resident super cute naked purple skunk fangirl and all round great friend is leaving for 2 months as her ship, the USS Kitty Hawk is heading out once again. I just want to say everyone here at EN and lots of people outside it are going to miss you very much Juni. So have a safe trip Juni, look after yourself and come back soon! *salutes*.

New fan art this week by Chameleon, Lothar minus hat. Thanks mate.

So I just finished reading Dan Brown’s “Angels & Demons” and you know what my thoughts are? “The Green Lantern is the stupidest superhero ever”. You should all know by now my thoughts are never coherent.

But seriously, for those of who don’t know the Green Lantern is one of DC Comics superheroes, and his powers all stem from having this green ring that can do ANYTHING the guy wants, or make anything he wants (as long as its green). This is a pretty damn good power admittedly. However, there’s one flaw, his weakness. His weakness is the colour YELLOW. The colour Yellow causes him to DIE.

I know having a weakness is one of these things some heroes have to have, but come on, the colour yellow? Hell even Superman had a half decent weakness with the whole Kryptonite thing. Actually now that I think, that’s a pretty stupid too. If I remember correctly from my year spent as a comic geek, Superman gets his powers from the Earth’s yellow sun. His home planet of Krypton had a red sun before the planet went kablooie, so nobody had powers there. Now Kryptonite is basically a chunk of Krypton, and it makes Superman die. What the hell? That makes NO fucking sense whatever. And what’s even worse, despite being one of the rarest substances in the galaxy, every villain Superman faces is given an unlimited supply when they enter Metropolis. God damnit Superman, you suck! But not as much as Green Lantern.

See if DC comics paid any attention to the continuity in their comics, they’d realise that there’s a shitload of stuff that can kill Green Lantern, I mean for fucks sake, to our eyes the SUN looks sort of yellow. How about Butter? Jesus, the guy can get killed by TRAFFIC LIGHTS. OK, Aquaman fucking sucks but at least he won’t be easily defeated by a Banana. And I shudder to think what happens when Green Lantern goes for a piss.

“Man I knew I shouldn’t have drunk all that Sprite, time to bleed the lizard. *zip, pee noises* Ah that’s so much betteAAAAARGH OF GOD, IT BURNS IT FUCKING BURNS, OH SWEET JESUS KILL ME NOW, TAKE ME UNTO THY BREAST OH LORD AND SPARE ME THE ANGUISH OF THIS INHUMAN TORTURE!”

That’s some fucked up shit for a superhero to go through.

And thanks to everyone who’s voting for EN, we’re not too far from the tope ten on each list, keep it up!

Lothar